I started typing this throughout June and never got to the end of it, so here goes…
“Why hello there, dearest readers. I hope you are all well and that the world has treated you with kindness.
So, I’ve been absent of late, but it’s mostly to do with the fact that I’ve become very quiet in general. I have nothing to say to anyone. Well, I don’t know. I seem to have a lot to say when I’m alone, it’s just when I’m with anyone in person, everything I planned to say combusts into dust, which scatters in the wind. I just never get the chance to say it, our conversations are too enthralling and I forget about everything I was going to say. And I don’t have any interesting contributions to give. Maybe I’ve simply become more of a listener. I spend too much of my time talking otherwise.
I’m feeling a little lost. Exams have come again and I’m fretting. This is my last chance to prove myself to everyone who doubts me, but the amount of energy it requires is feeling like too much. I’m trying to revise, it just isn’t working, nothing sticks and my thoughts are scattering. Like the paint that sprays in the air when someone flicks the brush. That someone is a watered down version of despair. I simply feel very alone. I have four people I consider my closest friends: there is of course, the best friend. I’ve known her for seven years, and yes, our friendship has been through some fluctuations, but it’s still rather concrete. I’m finally comfortable with her; I can tell her things without the fear that she will sever our friendship. We can go months without speaking to one another, but when we do it’s like there was no distance at all. I feel the same about Fluffy, though I’ve known her for a lot less and been close to her for even less than that (I think it’s only just coming to a year). There is something very real about her that simply feels refreshing. I miss and think of her regularly; when we’re together, I don’t want to leave. I will grow old with her one day, definitely, and we will live happily ever after. So very quickly, she has equalled the best friend, she really does make me happy. I never fail to laugh when in her presence. Tortoise I’ve gotten close to again. No matter how hard I tried to keep my distance, my care and worry was just too great. And then he did me the honour of trusting me, stating that I was one of the few he considered true friends. How was I supposed to refrain from reciprocating that trust, that friendship? I couldn’t and I cannot. Not to mention the fact that he is also rather honest and his manners are such that he makes me think of times long lost; another who makes me happy. Zelda is very good at grounding me and I turn to her when I start to lose my way. She is another one whose view of the world is a wake up call, she reminds me of what is important. Though we hardly talk, I know that I can trust her opinion.
I love these people, every single one in different ways, (and yet ultimately the same way) but there are times where I wonder whether they can ever truly know me. Maybe I’m just a convenience; someone there when no one else is. The last option. I feel rather replaceable and disposable of late. I mean, it was easy for Miss Equine.
I think that might be the crux of my problem. It’s nothing they’ve done, more my own internal struggles, and, well, experiences. I simply cannot fathom how someone can just stop caring. It’s beyond me. All that time and energy into one person for it all to mean nothing? How? How does a person do that? How did the woman who supported me through a low time, and had that help reciprocated, do that exactly?”
As you can see, I was full of melancholy and turmoil. I think, drama with Miss Equine aside, exams were getting to me too (they’re done and dusted now, one month to go!) and my mother didn’t help matters, (she was starting to sink into depression and I had to help her). I was feeling sepulchral inside, but I tried to remain vibrant and uplifting. (Misery does get boring, honestly, I’d had my fair share last year and I’m trying to get to the point where I’m more or less done with it.) Plus, I didn’t really want to inflict that on anyone else. However, that’s all done and dusted now! I’m rather ecstatic of late, and I no longer feel so disposable for any of the above. I revere each of them and I shall tell all in the next post!
“A book holds a house of gold.” ~ Chinese Proverb.