I hope you are all well. This is just a short post; I shall have a few following at some point in the near future. It’s been a rigmarole of a year (my, I do have a strange love for that word) – which is ironic, considering how stupidly fast it has gone, the Clark Kent Clock (see previous posts) has been in full throttle – and I have quite a few drafts on the subject.
Anywho on to the purpose of this post. Erm, there isn’t one really. I’m currently on a stroll and I thought that I should share that with you all. The evening was serene; the sky looked a pastel painting of delicate pinks and oranges and the air felt so soft and clean it was a joy simply to breathe. I’ve found myself more and more fascinated by nature and the corresponding calm it instills in me. There really is nothing better; surely this is what life is about. Last week, I visited Warhammer World again (more on that later) and the walk and atmosphere breathed this same calm into me. This and reading a well written fantasy novel; nothing else makes me feel this content and, dare I say it, happy. Not the passionate happiness I get when I’m with the people I care about, no, this is a gentle happiness; still and flowing like the river I walked by last week.
Maybe this is just a Sunday feeling. I don’t know how long it will last, perhaps it will vanish the moment I focus on reality again, but right now, this second, as the rain travels into the depths of my hair and rolls down my skin soaking the patch of grass beneath me, I feel secure in my character and I have a fierce belief in my capabilities and intelligence. My goal: that confident, independent, no nonsense but kind and giving woman whom I envisioned as a girl; that handful of sand, is in my grasp and I have my fist clenched so tightly that not a single grain has dropped, nor will I allow it to do so. And I will get there without another person’s help, just as I have gotten this far. Loneliness is one of my biggest fears, but it isn’t in one’s control and in this moment, being alone is endurable.
That said, I still adore the people in my life but I don’t think they quite understand just how much. Tortoise is lovely as per and I would do pretty much anything for his happiness and success. London is crazy as usual, we have our ups and downs (we’re like a married couple, I swear, mostly because I’ve started putting my foot down so we argue more. I’ve become quite “sassy” to put it into her words. Personally, I think I just have a better awareness of my worth; I am a good friend – to anyone I label a friend, and generally try to be kind because well, what’s the harm? – so the least she could do is respect me. I think that I’d be the same with Tortoise but I tend to let things slide with him for the most part; I am terrible at staying angry at him.) but that’s par for course. Fluffy I have begun to drift from but I do believe that if I needed her, she would be here and vice versa; I know that I definitely would be. Perhaps our relationship will develop again soon. Miss Equine I’ve started to speak to again. Sadly, I had to begin that conversation with a slight lie but I know where my loyalty lies and that alleviates my conscience. I think. We seem to have gone back to the relationship we used to have, mostly. There are also two new people: Fiery Ginge and, well, I don’t know what to call this next one. She is definitely not one I was expecting. I think I’ll stick to Manchester for now, until I know her better. Ah, so many people, and such a twisted web of attachments. Right now, my only fear is getting up and losing this feeling of security. Can I not just stay here for eternity?
“Call with all [of] your soul, little one. Call and we shall answer.” ~ The Cleaved Chaos Space Marines.