A Frozen Moment.

Dear Readers,

I hope you are all well. This is just a short post; I shall have a few following at some point in the near future. It’s been a rigmarole of a year (my, I do have a strange love for that word) – which is ironic, considering how stupidly fast it has gone, the Clark Kent Clock (see previous posts) has been in full throttle – and I have quite a few drafts on the subject.

Anywho on to the purpose of this post. Erm, there isn’t one really. I’m currently on a stroll and I thought that I should share that with you all. The evening was serene; the sky looked a pastel painting of delicate pinks and oranges and the air felt so soft and clean it was a joy simply to breathe. I’ve found myself more and more fascinated by nature and the corresponding calm it instills in me. There really is nothing better; surely this is what life is about. Last week, I visited Warhammer World again (more on that later) and the walk and atmosphere breathed this same calm into me. This and reading a well written fantasy novel; nothing else makes me feel this content and, dare I say it, happy. Not the passionate happiness I get when I’m with the people I care about, no, this is a gentle happiness; still and flowing like the river I walked by last week.

Maybe this is just a Sunday feeling. I don’t know how long it will last, perhaps it will vanish the moment I focus on reality again, but right now, this second, as the rain travels into the depths of my hair and rolls down my skin soaking the patch of grass beneath me, I feel secure in my character and I have a fierce belief in my capabilities and intelligence. My goal: that confident, independent, no nonsense but kind and giving woman whom I envisioned as a girl; that handful of sand, is in my grasp and I have my fist clenched so tightly that not a single grain has dropped, nor will I allow it to do so. And I will get there without another person’s help, just as I have gotten this far. Loneliness is one of my biggest fears, but it isn’t in one’s control and in this moment, being alone is endurable.

That said, I still adore the people in my life but I don’t think they quite understand just how much. Tortoise is lovely as per and I would do pretty much anything for his happiness and success. London is crazy as usual, we have our ups and downs (we’re like a married couple, I swear, mostly because I’ve started putting my foot down so we argue more. I’ve become quite “sassy” to put it into her words. Personally, I think I just have a better awareness of my worth; I am a good friend – to anyone I label a friend, and generally try to be kind because well, what’s the harm? – so the least she could do is respect me. I think that I’d be the same with Tortoise but I tend to let things slide with him for the most part; I am terrible at staying angry at him.) but that’s par for course. Fluffy I have begun to drift from but I do believe that if I needed her, she would be here and vice versa; I know that I definitely would be. Perhaps our relationship will develop again soon. Miss Equine I’ve started to speak to again. Sadly, I had to begin that conversation with a slight lie but I know where my loyalty lies and that alleviates my conscience. I think. We seem to have gone back to the relationship we used to have, mostly. There are also two new people: Fiery Ginge and, well, I don’t know what to call this next one. She is definitely not one I was expecting. I think I’ll stick to Manchester for now, until I know her better. Ah, so many people, and such a twisted web of attachments. Right now, my only fear is getting up and losing this feeling of security. Can I not just stay here for eternity?

“Call with all [of] your soul, little one. Call and we shall answer.” ~ The Cleaved Chaos Space Marines.

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Peregrination to the mythical…

Why good evening, everyone!

So, I promised a post and I have yet to break my word (something I am actually rather proud of to be honest!) and I’m not going to start now. Ladies and gentleman I give you the draft!

“On a rather serene Monday evening I was making plans to meet up with a friend, but we were at a loss as to what to do. Well, he wasn’t as bad as me, he always has a vague plan. Eventually, some sort of light bulb lit in his head and he had an idea that he simply refused to talk to me about. He’d decided where we were going and what we would be doing for the day; the only clue I got was that it would be the closest place to Middle Earth I would find in our city. Well, I wasn’t going to complain about that! Besides, I do actually trust his judgement, (but he doesn’t need to know that, shhh.) Imagine my excitement! A thousand speculations ran through the gauze that was my mind that evening, (it was getting late and I tired, I really should keep a better eye on the time and my sleeping patterns, she says at one am…) but none of them were concrete enough. I had absolutely no idea where he was taking me and I anticipated my bed time eagerly that night. I wanted it all over so that I could discover this amazing place!

Anyway, I went to work for the morning rather early that day so that I could get it out of the way and arranged to meet with him in the city centre. I admit that I started skipping a little on the way down, I was rather excited! But I managed to reign myself in by the time that I reached him, (hence the preskip!) so that I could get all of my eagerness out of my system ensuring that I behaved once we reached this elusive place! (And I did behave, quite well. I was rather smug actually!)

The trek took a while, and there were vague hints that he would get us lost, mostly to scare me, but to be perfectly honest, I really wouldn’t have minded. He is one of three people I could quite happily get lost with. I had done it once before with the best friend, and it was genuinely one of the most freeing moments of my life. But that’s a tale for another time. I actually did pretend that we were lost for a juncture, when we got to the part I’d never been to before. It was a gentil walk, alongside a river no less and I have a habit of making things more magical than they are; I wanted that feeling again, if even for a brief moment whilst we meandered. The rest of the time was spent relaying tales, (his were definitely more interesting than mine) whilst the wind caressed my face. It was a pleasant trip and I rather enjoyed it.

There was a moment that sparked a single flash of fear: thanks to my accursed height, we suspected that we might not reach our destination. Now reader, I’m not a dwarf, but ugh, I might as well be for all the good it does me! There was a fence and we weren’t sure whether I would have been able to climb over it, or whether there was a path on the other side. I’m fairly sure that I would have been able to, (I can be quite agile when I want to be) and if worst had come to worst he would have had to have helped me get over, but I really loathed being as short as I am in that moment. Worse, he’s a giant so I was particularly aware of my own height! But luckily, there was a path so we didn’t have to test my agility or his helping-short-people skills this particular juncture in time.

So! We rounded the corner, and I was a little busy paying attention to what he was actually saying (some interesting tale, I assure you) so it took me a little longer than it should have to notice the building in the horizon, but oh my god when I did: I actually couldn’t help myself, I screamed the words “oh my god” as soon as I saw the headquarters for the Games Workshop! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH. It took everything, everything I had not to embarrass him in the middle of the street when I saw it. I’d been curious about it for a while, but I didn’t have the faintest indication as to where it was and he’d brought me here! YAY. Definitely the closest place to Middle Earth that I would find!

There were cool giant models on the way to the entrance and I really couldn’t contain my excitement. I was in a little bit of awe so uncharacteristically remained somewhat silent once we got inside. I was also a little bit nervous to begin with, I didn’t know what I would find, and I feel stupid things anyway. But that vanished the moment I crossed the threshold. I stood next to a life sized image of a Space Marine. (It’s safe to say that I barely reached his knee…) The artwork along the walls was absolutely spectacular and I slowed a little to get a better look. I think he lost me a few times, but it’s not my fault that it was all so cool! And I wasn’t sure when exactly we’d be returning so I wanted a proper look at everything! It was my first time there, so my curiosity and time consuming ways were completely justified!

He gave me the choice of either going to the games’ tables first or to ‘go upstairs’ and seeing as how I had no idea as to what I would find in either of those places I left the choice to him. (Admittedly, I usually do. I’m a rather decisive person, I want to be doing something but I feel somewhat rude making decisions for other people and that maybe they’re just humouring me. I’ve never been fussy, so I leave the choice to everyone else!) He took me upstairs, it was rather wise. There was so much to see. I took forever! ‘Twas indeed rather enchanting to be honest. The models were absolutely beautiful and so clever and creative. They must have taken hours to paint. It was rather difficult to imagine all the effort put into all the detail; it was so fine and thorough! Everything was me sized! (That probably made me more happy than it should have.) The ones for The Hobbit were pretty stunning, and rather amusing, but I passed on them quickly. (I still haven’t seen the film so I’m a little averse to gazing at anything related in case I come across a spoiler.) The ones for the Warhammer Fantasy kept my interest for a little longer, mostly because the characters are similar to the 40k universe. The elves were pretty marvelous to look at; so intricate! I imagined that I could feel the power radiating from them. (Okay, I go a little over the top, I’ll admit. But there’s a part of me that yearns for it all to be real. Well, not precisely the 40k, just fantasy in general; mythical creatures, worlds long lost. I am a bit of a dreamer, I’ll admit. It’s why I read so much.)

Then I got to the 40k models. (God knows where I’d lost my friend, he was in the same room. I think.) Honestly, I was stunned. They were so awesome and hilarious! The Dark Eldar and the Tyrannids were especially menacing. I think I may even take photos the next time I go and post them on here. They really were darn right astounding! There were even some models I’d never heard of before and quotes all along them too! That entertained me somewhat. I like my quotes, and they were touching, hair-raising or funny, and sometimes all three! I started texting the ones I was really fond of to my friend, so that I could keep them for future reference! Then we got to the BIG one. There was a massive model that told a story, the Tyrannids were everywhere and you had to circle it to get the flow of the tale. It was rather humorous when the Tyrannids snuck up on the unsuspecting warriors, who thought their defence impeccable! That rather tickled the both of us! (I’d found him by then, turns out he had been in the room the entire time…) It was all rather adorable, as there were young children who came running into the room, exclaiming the excitement I felt. (I really, really tried to behave. I assume, probably correctly, that the people in the room liked their ability to hear and my voice has the tendency of having the ability to communicate with bats…) Even the adults couldn’t contain the proclamations of their joy! I may not have partaken in the screaming but I understood the thrill, that’s for sure!

After I’d had my fill of the models (and stolen a few quotes) we went down to the gaming tables, and golly were they cool! So meticulous and comprehensive in their work. Truly pieces of art in their own right! We went to the actual ‘shop’ bit too and I was rather engrossed with all the Black Library titles. Some I thought of gifting ze friend with (whom I had lost again… It’s okay, though, he’s a giant, so it wouldn’t have been entirely impossible to find him again. He was interested in the paints and codices, and well, there were books. Fictional books. Fantasy/Sci-fi based books that I have recently taken an interest in. And books with breath taking artwork too. Books. Need I say more?) and others I wanted for myself! (Naturally.) So that kept me engaged for quite the while before I realised that I couldn’t hear him talking anymore…

And that was it for the day at the wonderful land of the Games Workshop! It’s a day that I will definitely keep with me. I enjoyed myself thoroughly!”

So, that’s all for the draft that has been waiting in my Dashboard for the last month, and my how much has happened since then! I saw both Fluffy and Tortoise later that week and even managed to sort out my student accommodation! But more on all that in the next post. I have a few drafts for that too, you see…

“He who sees his own doom can better avoid its path. He who sees the doom of others can deliver it.” ~ Eldrad Ulthran.

Until that next time.

Emotional Boudica

Good evening one and all! This is a quick post, simply to assure you, my beloved readers, that I am actually posting. Last week was somewhat fabulous, and I have lots of exciting things to tell. I have a draft from Friday evening, (some five days ago) but sadly events of the weekend left that draft unfinished, and the situation hasn’t changed as of yet, so expect a delay after this post.

I hope you are all well!

As for the title, a very close friend just labelled me as much, and I must say I approve! I think I might even put that in my ‘About me.’ section too! Jazz it up a bit. [Insert wink here.]

Now for my quote! Hmmm, quotes, quotes, quote-ee-dee-doo-da. Seeing as how we’re talking about warriors, and by default, war, my quote will be from my escapades. Well, I stole a few from my adventure last week… (You just can’t wait, can you, reader? Well neither can I! Patience, my dear reader, patience. That tale deserves well thought out words and I shall not disappoint! That is my vow and I am a man of my word. Wo-man, at least. Half of it is already written anyway.)

It touched both the warrior, and the literature student within me.

“Be swift and silent – as the breeze that crosses the dunes – without stirring a grain of sand.” ~ Captain Al’rahem. Tallarn Desert Raiders.

Until the next exciting time, I bid thee adieu!

Back with a resounding bang.

Oh, why hello there, my dearest readers. I hope this wayward world has been treating you all rather well! It has been a while since my last proper monologue, has it not? I do apologise. Life has taken up the hobby of toying with me recently and my thoughts have been somewhat scattered. (Not exactly the best admission to make when the curtains of exam season have only just closed, but ah well. I was focused during them at least, my brain was buzzing with all the information I tried to embed into it. Time will tell whether I was successful or not!) So, what to tell you all?

Well, firstly, I should probably inform you that this rigmarole of an academic year has come to its end and golly, what a year it has been. Admittedly, I spent the majority of it at home (yes, I am a very bad student, but I did spend some of my time teaching myself! I suppose I should remain alert as I did give you readers permission to shoot me in the leg if I did not conform to my rota – which never happened by the way…) or arguing with/for the people in my life, most of whom, I suspect, I shall sadly not see again. Already, I have stopped my usual contact with the majority of them. Though this was deliberate: I contact, because I care. If they cared, they would contact. And that’s all there is to it. I am rather surprised that I managed to make acquaintances at all, to be honest. When I started this college in the Autumn of 2011 I had planned to remain an introvert; antisocial and remain on my studies. (I hadn’t exactly been in the best frame of mind at the time…) It’s safe to say that that plan crumbled rather quickly. Well, okay, it didn’t exactly crumble. More melted, like a finely baked butterscotch shortcake does when it hits your tongue, (we better have some in the house, because I really want one now. Damn my sweet similies!) Anyway, enough with the sad thoughts! I am, as stated in the previous post, actually rather happy and excited! But more on that later. (I am a horrible tease, I know.)

Exam season came and went without any real consequence. Well, there was one significant event, but I’m not inclined to discuss that online as of yet. It was a relief when they were over, but also a little daunting. These papers would and will determine the course of my life. Ugh, results are within three weeks and I am ever so nervous, but at the same time ludicrously excited! After results, depending on whether I get into University or not, I will have exactly a month in Nottingham before I embark on the true journey of my life. The horse drawn carriage will suddenly be carried by Pegasus and I shall begin anew. At least, one can hope. (Hurry up, Pegasus. I need you more than any Greek hero might.) Ah well, only a month of patience left. Let’s hope it goes quickly. I don’t know. I’m simply very querulous regarding it.

Okay, so, I’d written the above hours ago and was interrupted by a rather onerous interlude. One I did not enjoy, might I add. Ugh. Anyway, happy thoughts, happy thoughts! So, where was I? Ah, yes. Catching you all up.

That’s it as far as academia is concerned. Now I’m just excited at the prospect of University! I’ve sorted my Student Finance and accommodation out. (Finally. Honestly, the incompetence of some people… I mean, I know that’s rude, but surely they should be able to look after the, rather important, paperwork that I send to them. I’d had to fill out everything all over again.) I can’t wait! (Though I can. No. I can’t. Can’t, can’t, can’t! But I can. Shut up.) 

So, now onto the aspects of my social life. Well, thanks to a certain Tortoise who has always shared similar interests, I am now rather intrigued with Warhammer 40k and its lore.  My curiosity will be the death of me and he knows me too well, damn it. It’s just so interesting! The Space Marines and how, well, just darn awesome they are; the efficiency of the Imperial Guard; the ancient and knowledgeable feel of the Eldar (that was how he captured my interest in the first place; I have a thing for beings of wisdom – probably because I aspire, and fail, to be such – and the Eldar also have a subset entitled Harlequin. I always find it interesting to see the different interpretations that arise from that stock character of French Plays.) How compelling Chaos and its Ruinous Powers are, not to mention the complicated intricacies involved. It just fascinates me! I get absurdly excited and I just can’t contain my need to know. I find the mythology of most Universe’s, fictional or otherwise, absolutely alluring. I like the fact that practically everything has a story behind it; tales untold, narratives long lost. It can capture my thoughts for hours on end. I’m even inclined to go into the Games Workshop and learn a little about the game. I’m not as inclined to become an actual gamer, more concerned with learning enough about the game to supplement my knowledge of the lore because I really am quite engrossed! (Thanks, Tortoise.) All the Warhammer aside, I see him often enough and we go off on book hunts, (surrounded by the aroma of both aged and pristine pieces of literature, how else could I possibly want to spend my day? There is nothing more soothing. The familiarity is also quite comforting. Just the a priori knowledge that I will be going home with yet another gem excites me like little else could. – Okay, I am rather easily excited, I get that…) and I do enjoy his company! He’s rather wonderful! (I had to add that last  sentence in case he reads this… [Insert a mischievous wink here.])

The best friend has completed her first year of University and is now preparing for her second, more rigorous one. She has not quite regained (or gained at all, really) her sanity and our Skype conversations still make me blush. She makes me come out with sentences that I remember to be mortified by, hours later. I did see her a few weeks ago during her return to our city, and I had a rather splendid time. Again, we did not want to leave each other and found ways to procrastinate. I decided take her to my favourite book shop! (She ended up flirting with the worker there. Honestly, I can not leave her alone even to squeal at books. In fact, even I am not immune, she just resorts to flirting with me instead…) Even the security man at my local Tesco regularly asks about her and wants her to come and visit him. At Tesco. Whilst on duty. At my Tesco. (Do you all feel my pain? Because if you don’t, you should!) Though, I must admit, it is rather pleasant that I’ve built so many memories around her. I do miss her quite a lot, but hopefully I shall be seeing her soon enough and we can get on with our frolicsome ways!

Fluffy I see rather regularly and she doesn’t have to read this for me to exclaim just how amazing she is. (Neither does the Tortoise but shhhhh, that bit is a secret!) She’s genuinely decent, it always leaves me in awe. We’ve spent the days sitting at a green near her house and it has been somewhat cordial. Like something out of a fairy tale. Even when our giggles fall into silence, it is comfortable. It’s also rather humorous when we’re both exasperated with the situations in our lives because our facial expressions and body language are always the same. We end up casting our exasperation to the wind and fall into fits of mirth. She knows me rather well, to top it all off. Occasionally, it makes me jump and I am left touched to the core. I really am quite fond of her. If I approved of smiley faces in my posts, I would have put one there. And she’s rather crazy which is always fun! Though her insanity pales in comparison to mine! (But surely, you all know that by now.)

My current reading habits are a bit of a disappointment. I’m managing half a chapter a night and only just barely. Of course, it doesn’t exactly help that I’m currently reading two books simultaneously, not to mention started (and forced myself to put down) two others. And then there’s all the links I keep clicking on when it comes to the 40k’s Lexicanum… I am a bad, bad short person. (Though, we went to a Safari Park recently and I was taller than the Penguins there! Take that Penguins of a millennium ago! I’m taller than your descendants so ha!) Ahem. Yes, I’m quite touchy about that, if you hadn’t already guessed. Anyway, it’s not my fault! I keep buying cool books, (my mother’s patience with me is coming to its end…) and venturing into Waterstones to find yet more cool books. (I’m sorry bank balance.) I have a problem, okay?

Well that’s about it dear readers! This post is certainly lacking flow in structure but that may have something to do with the fact that I have taken more than twenty four hours to construct it… I’ve also used ellipses far to often in this post, but ah well. Fill in the blanks I guess. That way you can all make me cooler than I really am. Enjoy that!

“Knowledge is power, guard it well.” ~ Blood Ravens’ battle cry. Rather awesome, wouldn’t you say?

Did you hear that bang? Because yes, I am back! (My sympathies are with you all.)

Until then, I bid thee adieu!

The Enuii of June.

I started typing this throughout June and never got to the end of it, so here goes…

“Why hello there, dearest readers. I hope you are all well and that the world has treated you with kindness.

So, I’ve been absent of late, but it’s mostly to do with the fact that I’ve become very quiet in general. I have nothing to say to anyone. Well, I don’t know. I seem to have a lot to say when I’m alone, it’s just when I’m with anyone in person, everything I planned to say combusts into dust, which scatters in the wind. I just never get the chance to say it, our conversations are too enthralling and I forget about everything I was going to say. And I don’t have any interesting contributions to give. Maybe I’ve simply become more of a listener. I spend too much of my time talking otherwise.

I’m feeling a little lost. Exams have come again and I’m fretting. This is my last chance to prove myself to everyone who doubts me, but the amount of energy it requires is feeling like too much. I’m trying to revise, it just isn’t working, nothing sticks and my thoughts are scattering. Like the paint that sprays in the air when someone flicks the brush. That someone is a watered down version of despair. I simply feel very alone. I have four people I consider my closest friends: there is of course, the best friend. I’ve known her for seven years, and yes, our friendship has been through some fluctuations, but it’s still rather concrete. I’m finally comfortable with her; I can tell her things without the fear that she will sever our friendship. We can go months without speaking to one another, but when we do it’s like there was no distance at all. I feel the same about Fluffy, though I’ve known her for a lot less and been close to her for even less than that (I think it’s only just coming to a year). There is something very real about her that simply feels refreshing. I miss and think of her regularly; when we’re together, I don’t want to leave. I will grow old with her one day, definitely, and we will live happily ever after. So very quickly, she has equalled the best friend, she really does make me happy. I never fail to laugh when in her presence. Tortoise I’ve gotten close to again. No matter how hard I tried to keep my distance, my care and worry was just too great. And then he did me the honour of trusting me, stating that I was one of the few he considered true friends. How was I supposed to refrain from reciprocating that trust, that friendship? I couldn’t and I cannot.  Not to mention the fact that he is also rather honest and his manners are such that he makes me think of times long lost; another who makes me happy. Zelda is very good at grounding me and I turn to her when I start to lose my way. She is another one whose view of the world is a wake up call, she reminds me of what is important. Though we hardly talk, I know that I can trust her opinion.

I love these people, every single one in different ways, (and yet ultimately the same way) but there are times where I wonder whether they can ever truly know me. Maybe I’m just a convenience; someone there when no one else is. The last option. I feel rather replaceable and disposable of late. I mean, it was easy for Miss Equine.

I think that might be the crux of my problem. It’s nothing they’ve done, more my own internal struggles, and, well, experiences. I simply cannot fathom how someone can just stop caring. It’s beyond me. All that time and energy into one person for it all to mean nothing? How? How does a person do that? How did the woman who supported me through a low time, and had that help reciprocated, do that exactly?”

As you can see, I was full of melancholy and turmoil. I think, drama with Miss Equine aside, exams were getting to me too (they’re done and dusted now, one month to go!) and my mother didn’t help matters, (she was starting to sink into depression and I had to help her). I was feeling sepulchral inside, but I tried to remain vibrant and uplifting. (Misery does get boring, honestly, I’d had my fair share last year and I’m trying to get to the point where I’m more or less done with it.) Plus, I didn’t really want to inflict that on anyone else. However, that’s all done and dusted now! I’m rather ecstatic of late, and I no longer feel so disposable for any of the above. I revere each of them and I shall tell all in the next post!

Until then!

“A book holds a house of gold.” ~ Chinese Proverb.

Convoluted Chaos with a Dash of Serenity.

Why hello there readers! So, I’ve had a leave of absence, but remain assured! I have been writing my more or less biography still. According to WordPress, the following was drafted on the seventh day of this year. So here goes…

“Why, hello there you fine ladies and gentlemen.

How are you all? I do hope the answer is well. I’m a little confused at to what to call this post but we’ll see what I come up with by the end of it. So, I’m writing this at work. Before you deem me a lazy, unreliable sod, I’ve completed all of my tasks and some of my colleagues. There’s quite literally nothing to do until we get some more letters, or the doctor gives me a task to do. (I wish was I referring to the one from Doctor Who but sadly not. Alas, dreams will remain dreams- ooh, possible title.) Of course, you’re probably wondering why I don’t simply depart for my chambers (yes, I occasionally dub my bedroom as my chambers… Victorian girl here, you know.)

Aww, a small child is playing hide and seek with me; it’s rather cute. This line of work really can be rewarding sometimes.

Anyway, I can’t go home yet as there are still patients to send down to the doctor, but other than that, the only thing for me to do is converse with you/construct a monologue. I do have some rather enthralling tales to tell you all. Or maybe I don’t and I’m just so happy with my life everything seems enthralling to me. Maybe I’m in love. Who knows? Certainly not me. Perhaps one of you can enlighten me after reading this post. I might subconsciously include something of consequence.

My mind’s in a bit of a bedlam. It’s with all the mental revision I’m doing. Light independant reactions; Complex ions with their ligands; the calvin cycle; seral stages of succession; optical isomers; zwitter ions; aldehydes; organic molecules and their producuts (I shan’t go into the list though it’s in my head); algor mortis, rigor mortis (you’ve got to love a bit of latin) HIV; electropotential; rusting; oxidation numbers and a range of other biology and chemistry related things. I’m not too bothered about my history. I’ve completed my coursework, and though I admit it’s nowhere near enough to what I’m capable of, at least I have the basic points down. I can focus on the coursework for all of my subjects after my exams. In all honesty though, that’s only one part of the bedlam.”

I’d finished work and I was somewhat knackered. Sleep was very welcome that night.

Drafted: 13/01/2013

“Today was filled with quite a bit of contemplation. As the sun descended behind the visible skyline and the day drew to a close, as the curtains of night plunged the world into a star filled darkness, I sort of saw how fast time flies. These last few years have quite literally whizzed by; a Superman clock if you will. (Clark Kent Clock: there’s a tongue twister to keep me entertained for a few hours.)”

It did…

“Oh, look at that, it’s midnight already. (See what I mean about extra-terrestrial, cape wearing time? Though I’m sure that it must have been quicker for you than it was for me.)

I’ve lost my flow of thought and my mind feels sluggish, huzzah for me, I guess. I really should go to bed, but my mind, because it’s such a damn oxymoron, is brimming with sibilancy despite the sluggishness I feel. Ugh, so I’m just going to rant away until I am satisfied with my infuriating cognizance. I hope I manage to produce an engaging read too, that’d be a plus.

So, events and thoughts since the last time I posted. Well, the new year started off with a bang. Didn’t it for everyone? How could you miss all the fireworks and drunken revelling? Sleep was a blessing that night. My revision remained apathetic. I was partaking in the action, but it was somewhat robotic. The events of the holidays left me somewhat in shock for a week or so, and I just couldn’t decide how I felt about a particular event. Touched, indifferent, hopeful, accepting, I felt all of these through the course of the holidays. I shan’t elaborate because a) I’m an evil little witch and b) I’m unintentionally with intention tailoring my posts for various reasons: one of which is the fact that I don’t want this to turn into too much of a diary. I really should begin to compose one again, so that I can convey my feelings somewhere other than this blog. Don’t get me wrong, I do talk to my friends on occasion, but they just don’t understand why I feel the way I do. And I’ve gotten tired of explaining it over and over again. Surely my sense of loyalty is not that incomprehensible, is it? (Sob. Why oh why was I not born in an earlier century?!)

Exams have arrived and I’m hoping I did well in the Biology one I had this passing Friday. I’m going to be really rather embarrassed if I don’t do well in it. You see, I went into…”

No, I have no idea what I went to. I think I fear to find out. I’d fallen asleep, again. Note to readers, succumbing to the land of slumber in a more or less vertical position, is horrendous for your neck and back. Also terrible for the head when you choose to bang it into your laptop, thanks to the wonderous ways of gravity.

Drafted 16/01/13 This one’s a tad longer and full of turmoil. No, I have no idea what is wrong with me.

“I hope I’ve done well. I think I have but it’s a very loose think. I just don’t know. My attendance was ridiculous, so maybe I’ve failed everything. Oh well. I’m lucky enough to already have a job I guess. Ugh. Why can’t we have the results now? Why can’t I mark my own paper so that I can curse myself for my stupid mistakes, why, oh why, oh why? Other than that, my plan to remain antisocial has more or less crumbled into ash, and that ash has been scattered in the wind, to be found only upon chance. Chance is hardly ever in my favour.

I still have no reply from my UCAS application and as the weeks pass by, I am getting more and more nervous. Waiting is genuinely awful. Remind me never to put anyone through the agony of patience. The only reason patience is a bloody virtue is because the world is nought but a waiting game! The only thing we don’t have to wait for is perhaps our supply of oxygen (that doesn’t apply if you’re underwater by the way, in case anybody decides to take everything I write far too literally, – please don’t – you’ll be a waiting a long time for oxygen down there.)
In other news, I’ve been somewhat quite content these past few weeks, even the Christmas episode made me quite cheerful; I’d gotten my closure. (I’m pretty sure you all know what I’m talking about now, if you’ve been following my blog avidly, if you haven’t, go do that and experience the enlightenment the rest of my readers are! It will heal your soul, you know. Or mine. Whichever.)

I was happy, especially with all the snow! My love for snow is borderline ludicrous. I went out and jumped in it; my old soul wanted to be young again, but that didn’t last long as I had a Chemistry exam to prepare for. Darn it. I hope the snow persists until February. That would be AMAZING. Though I must admit, the octaves my voice surpasses in my excitement will probably enable me to communicate with bats. But SNOWWWWW. It’s so beautiful, picturesque, cold and soft. I love it!

Enough with the snowy sidetrack. (Snow and alliteration in one sentence, oh yes.)

Anywho, I feel like I’m starting to spiral down and I can’t pinpoint exactly what is wrong with me; the crux is unidentifiable. It’s getting rather irksome. Maybe I’m just being stupid. I only feel it for a moment before shrugging it off (I am content- I have no reason not to be), but it’s happening more frequently now. I think it may have something to do with the dilemnas of my friends.

When I care about a person, I get thoroughly involved. Their pain in unendurable for me, I have to find a way of getting rid of it or combust (I have a silly, masochistic way of thinking, I get that). But what do you do when two of your friends want opposite things? I don’t know how to help them and it is quite literally driving me to the brink of insanity. But it’s my own fault for getting so involved. Agh, why do I do this to myself? I’m such a sucker for sweet words towards me. It was the reason I got so attached to my ex-friend, damn it, he had a way with words. And I’m gullible enough to believe all of them, from him, from my other friends, from the cruellest of my family members who even had a hand in ruining my life once; I think some part of me craves for them to be the truth. Just once.
I mean, I did it again recently, two kind words from a person who hurt me deeply enough to change my way of thinking; one apology with a few heartfelt words, and I’ve jumped. I should know by now that it only leads to disappointment. But, but, that’s one of the things I’ve come to learn about myself, my utter lack of resistance to a few kind words. I’m okay with that, it’ll hurt occasionally but I’ll get over it. That isn’t what is bothering me now though.

I think after tomorrow I will be hunting down those ashes and finding a way to make an irreversible reaction, reversible. Monsieur Chatalier better be ready.”

I then tried yet again to finish it off, but I’m not very good at this as I’m sure you all must realise by now.

Drafted 18/02/13

“Results are within the month. (Please, someone kill me now and save me from that apocalyptic day… Am I dead yet? I hope that it is now my zombie conversing with you. This shall be interesting…) My attendance has increased, though I did end up getting a cold (snuffle, snuffle) and now all I have is coursework on my head. Earth, open up and swallow me, thanks.

Academia aside, my social life has blossomed far beyond the stage of a flower and into the fruit. (The butterfly analogy is far too blasé for this case.) No one is more shocked than I. I saw my best friend at the beginning of the year when she’d come back to our city for the holidays (that was quite a rebellious move, actually – a tale for another time!) As ever, it was lovely; whacked and clinically insane, but lovely. I also purchased more books that day! That too nonfiction! There was a sale, how could I possibly resist, pray tell? Do not condemn me so, bank balance!

The rest of the weeks entailed a cunning plan with a certain Fish and his Fishette (I do love my neologisms! I swear that I am normal, usually…) Neither parties knew of my scheming, cough, and things got a little, erm, interesting, there… long story short, I ended up standing on a toilet and using a cubicle wall to pull myself up, (this is why being my height is a curse) to stop myself from kicking down a door and thus further reducing my ever diminishing bank balance… Breathe. I’d never done so much exercise in my life and I shall probably never do as much again! They were driving me insane, something had to be done. Admittedly, things are a lot quieter now. Thank God for that. Silly people. What is it with us humans and having to make something that is actually quite simple, SO DAMN COMPLICATED? And, breathe. Honestly, I’ve spent an entire month screaming at people in my head, because they weren’t around for me to do it in person, I have a lot of scream pent up in my throat. I hope that it isn’t irritated by anyone, or the irritatee shall find themselves without their hearing for a while. [Insert manic grin here.]

In between all of this chaos I’ve spent a lot of time with Fluffy. I’m getting to know her more and more and she really is quite wonderful: highly perverted and crude just to irk me (it works very well), but wonderful. Why is there always a “but” whenever I am complimenting any of my comrades, I wonder?

I also, actually, really, truly, went out with my friends! (It’s a mind boggler, honest.) I graced a pub with my presence for the first time in my life… wearing a headscarf. Not many people who can say that one! (We’d planned originally to go to the cinema but only a few of us had booked tickets for the earlier showing. You don’t want to know what we did with the purchased tickets; we’re probably still being cursed.) I didn’t drink any alcohol, of course. Instead I was rather content with an iced coca-cola, which probably wasn’t very clever considering the fact that I’d already consumed an entire box of ice lollies earlier that day… Anyway, for those of you who have followed my blog from the onset, you’d probably be interested in knowing that we were accompanied by, well, the ex-friend. Dun, dun, dun.”

And that was about it for my attempts at drafting, so now, I’m going to go straight into it.

Results day arrived, and though I wasn’t over the moon, they’re salvageable and and two were exactly what I wanted and more than I needed to get into University. Speaking of University, I’ve received three acceptances so far, still waiting on two! I’ve also looked at a few different courses I could apply for during clearing should I fail everything. My future prospects and academic potential are looking sound either way!

As is rather clear from the above so called drafts, I’ve had a rather tumultuous three months when it comes to my emotions and my loved ones. You’ll be happy to know (yes, I’m assuming) that I am again quite content. The storm of emotions, etcetera has abated. More than anything I miss my best friend. I had a Skype conversation with her last night. We ended up comparing tongue sizes and I found out that pink lemonade is actually a thing. (I genuinely had no idea.) Plus, my birthday present may entail something debauched… I am genuinely frightened. But she’ll be coming back to the city soon so I am rather excited for that!

In other news, my mother will be headed of to Pakistan in two weeks and I am rather sad about that. I know I’ll miss her more than I should be allowed to. We’ll be living with our uncle, (he’s a strict Doctor-type and I do love him) which my younger sister is not really looking forward to, so that’ll be an interesting experience.

So! Me, the socialite! (Yes, I’d be choking in shock too.) I’ve genuinely been quite busy the last few weeks, meeting up with various friends (how am I finding these people, seriously?). One of whom was, yes, the ex-friend, (who will henceforth be known as… I’ll come up with something, Tortoise or Badger most likely.) Others included Fluffy and another two old acquaintances I’m rather glad have returned. Not to mention my birthday (Fluffy baked me my cake!), and the results day get together! (That, I must admit was somewhat amusing, as well as rather enlightening, cleansing and emotional… Golly!)

Anywho, I think that’s about caught you up, yes? Now, quotes, my wonderful quotes.

Well, recently, my love for the genius that is Patrick Rothfuss has rekindled, so I shall hunt him up!

“It’s like everyone tells a story about themselves inside their own head. Always. All the time. That story makes you what you are. We build ourselves out of that story.” ~ Patrick Rothfuss , The Name of the Wind.

Isn’t he wonderrful? And so right.

I bid thee adieu, readers! Hopefully, I shan’t take as long to monologue at you all again!

Until then!