Peregrination to the mythical…

Why good evening, everyone!

So, I promised a post and I have yet to break my word (something I am actually rather proud of to be honest!) and I’m not going to start now. Ladies and gentleman I give you the draft!

“On a rather serene Monday evening I was making plans to meet up with a friend, but we were at a loss as to what to do. Well, he wasn’t as bad as me, he always has a vague plan. Eventually, some sort of light bulb lit in his head and he had an idea that he simply refused to talk to me about. He’d decided where we were going and what we would be doing for the day; the only clue I got was that it would be the closest place to Middle Earth I would find in our city. Well, I wasn’t going to complain about that! Besides, I do actually trust his judgement, (but he doesn’t need to know that, shhh.) Imagine my excitement! A thousand speculations ran through the gauze that was my mind that evening, (it was getting late and I tired, I really should keep a better eye on the time and my sleeping patterns, she says at one am…) but none of them were concrete enough. I had absolutely no idea where he was taking me and I anticipated my bed time eagerly that night. I wanted it all over so that I could discover this amazing place!

Anyway, I went to work for the morning rather early that day so that I could get it out of the way and arranged to meet with him in the city centre. I admit that I started skipping a little on the way down, I was rather excited! But I managed to reign myself in by the time that I reached him, (hence the preskip!) so that I could get all of my eagerness out of my system ensuring that I behaved once we reached this elusive place! (And I did behave, quite well. I was rather smug actually!)

The trek took a while, and there were vague hints that he would get us lost, mostly to scare me, but to be perfectly honest, I really wouldn’t have minded. He is one of three people I could quite happily get lost with. I had done it once before with the best friend, and it was genuinely one of the most freeing moments of my life. But that’s a tale for another time. I actually did pretend that we were lost for a juncture, when we got to the part I’d never been to before. It was a gentil walk, alongside a river no less and I have a habit of making things more magical than they are; I wanted that feeling again, if even for a brief moment whilst we meandered. The rest of the time was spent relaying tales, (his were definitely more interesting than mine) whilst the wind caressed my face. It was a pleasant trip and I rather enjoyed it.

There was a moment that sparked a single flash of fear: thanks to my accursed height, we suspected that we might not reach our destination. Now reader, I’m not a dwarf, but ugh, I might as well be for all the good it does me! There was a fence and we weren’t sure whether I would have been able to climb over it, or whether there was a path on the other side. I’m fairly sure that I would have been able to, (I can be quite agile when I want to be) and if worst had come to worst he would have had to have helped me get over, but I really loathed being as short as I am in that moment. Worse, he’s a giant so I was particularly aware of my own height! But luckily, there was a path so we didn’t have to test my agility or his helping-short-people skills this particular juncture in time.

So! We rounded the corner, and I was a little busy paying attention to what he was actually saying (some interesting tale, I assure you) so it took me a little longer than it should have to notice the building in the horizon, but oh my god when I did: I actually couldn’t help myself, I screamed the words “oh my god” as soon as I saw the headquarters for the Games Workshop! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH. It took everything, everything I had not to embarrass him in the middle of the street when I saw it. I’d been curious about it for a while, but I didn’t have the faintest indication as to where it was and he’d brought me here! YAY. Definitely the closest place to Middle Earth that I would find!

There were cool giant models on the way to the entrance and I really couldn’t contain my excitement. I was in a little bit of awe so uncharacteristically remained somewhat silent once we got inside. I was also a little bit nervous to begin with, I didn’t know what I would find, and I feel stupid things anyway. But that vanished the moment I crossed the threshold. I stood next to a life sized image of a Space Marine. (It’s safe to say that I barely reached his knee…) The artwork along the walls was absolutely spectacular and I slowed a little to get a better look. I think he lost me a few times, but it’s not my fault that it was all so cool! And I wasn’t sure when exactly we’d be returning so I wanted a proper look at everything! It was my first time there, so my curiosity and time consuming ways were completely justified!

He gave me the choice of either going to the games’ tables first or to ‘go upstairs’ and seeing as how I had no idea as to what I would find in either of those places I left the choice to him. (Admittedly, I usually do. I’m a rather decisive person, I want to be doing something but I feel somewhat rude making decisions for other people and that maybe they’re just humouring me. I’ve never been fussy, so I leave the choice to everyone else!) He took me upstairs, it was rather wise. There was so much to see. I took forever! ‘Twas indeed rather enchanting to be honest. The models were absolutely beautiful and so clever and creative. They must have taken hours to paint. It was rather difficult to imagine all the effort put into all the detail; it was so fine and thorough! Everything was me sized! (That probably made me more happy than it should have.) The ones for The Hobbit were pretty stunning, and rather amusing, but I passed on them quickly. (I still haven’t seen the film so I’m a little averse to gazing at anything related in case I come across a spoiler.) The ones for the Warhammer Fantasy kept my interest for a little longer, mostly because the characters are similar to the 40k universe. The elves were pretty marvelous to look at; so intricate! I imagined that I could feel the power radiating from them. (Okay, I go a little over the top, I’ll admit. But there’s a part of me that yearns for it all to be real. Well, not precisely the 40k, just fantasy in general; mythical creatures, worlds long lost. I am a bit of a dreamer, I’ll admit. It’s why I read so much.)

Then I got to the 40k models. (God knows where I’d lost my friend, he was in the same room. I think.) Honestly, I was stunned. They were so awesome and hilarious! The Dark Eldar and the Tyrannids were especially menacing. I think I may even take photos the next time I go and post them on here. They really were darn right astounding! There were even some models I’d never heard of before and quotes all along them too! That entertained me somewhat. I like my quotes, and they were touching, hair-raising or funny, and sometimes all three! I started texting the ones I was really fond of to my friend, so that I could keep them for future reference! Then we got to the BIG one. There was a massive model that told a story, the Tyrannids were everywhere and you had to circle it to get the flow of the tale. It was rather humorous when the Tyrannids snuck up on the unsuspecting warriors, who thought their defence impeccable! That rather tickled the both of us! (I’d found him by then, turns out he had been in the room the entire time…) It was all rather adorable, as there were young children who came running into the room, exclaiming the excitement I felt. (I really, really tried to behave. I assume, probably correctly, that the people in the room liked their ability to hear and my voice has the tendency of having the ability to communicate with bats…) Even the adults couldn’t contain the proclamations of their joy! I may not have partaken in the screaming but I understood the thrill, that’s for sure!

After I’d had my fill of the models (and stolen a few quotes) we went down to the gaming tables, and golly were they cool! So meticulous and comprehensive in their work. Truly pieces of art in their own right! We went to the actual ‘shop’ bit too and I was rather engrossed with all the Black Library titles. Some I thought of gifting ze friend with (whom I had lost again… It’s okay, though, he’s a giant, so it wouldn’t have been entirely impossible to find him again. He was interested in the paints and codices, and well, there were books. Fictional books. Fantasy/Sci-fi based books that I have recently taken an interest in. And books with breath taking artwork too. Books. Need I say more?) and others I wanted for myself! (Naturally.) So that kept me engaged for quite the while before I realised that I couldn’t hear him talking anymore…

And that was it for the day at the wonderful land of the Games Workshop! It’s a day that I will definitely keep with me. I enjoyed myself thoroughly!”

So, that’s all for the draft that has been waiting in my Dashboard for the last month, and my how much has happened since then! I saw both Fluffy and Tortoise later that week and even managed to sort out my student accommodation! But more on all that in the next post. I have a few drafts for that too, you see…

“He who sees his own doom can better avoid its path. He who sees the doom of others can deliver it.” ~ Eldrad Ulthran.

Until that next time.

Back with a resounding bang.

Oh, why hello there, my dearest readers. I hope this wayward world has been treating you all rather well! It has been a while since my last proper monologue, has it not? I do apologise. Life has taken up the hobby of toying with me recently and my thoughts have been somewhat scattered. (Not exactly the best admission to make when the curtains of exam season have only just closed, but ah well. I was focused during them at least, my brain was buzzing with all the information I tried to embed into it. Time will tell whether I was successful or not!) So, what to tell you all?

Well, firstly, I should probably inform you that this rigmarole of an academic year has come to its end and golly, what a year it has been. Admittedly, I spent the majority of it at home (yes, I am a very bad student, but I did spend some of my time teaching myself! I suppose I should remain alert as I did give you readers permission to shoot me in the leg if I did not conform to my rota – which never happened by the way…) or arguing with/for the people in my life, most of whom, I suspect, I shall sadly not see again. Already, I have stopped my usual contact with the majority of them. Though this was deliberate: I contact, because I care. If they cared, they would contact. And that’s all there is to it. I am rather surprised that I managed to make acquaintances at all, to be honest. When I started this college in the Autumn of 2011 I had planned to remain an introvert; antisocial and remain on my studies. (I hadn’t exactly been in the best frame of mind at the time…) It’s safe to say that that plan crumbled rather quickly. Well, okay, it didn’t exactly crumble. More melted, like a finely baked butterscotch shortcake does when it hits your tongue, (we better have some in the house, because I really want one now. Damn my sweet similies!) Anyway, enough with the sad thoughts! I am, as stated in the previous post, actually rather happy and excited! But more on that later. (I am a horrible tease, I know.)

Exam season came and went without any real consequence. Well, there was one significant event, but I’m not inclined to discuss that online as of yet. It was a relief when they were over, but also a little daunting. These papers would and will determine the course of my life. Ugh, results are within three weeks and I am ever so nervous, but at the same time ludicrously excited! After results, depending on whether I get into University or not, I will have exactly a month in Nottingham before I embark on the true journey of my life. The horse drawn carriage will suddenly be carried by Pegasus and I shall begin anew. At least, one can hope. (Hurry up, Pegasus. I need you more than any Greek hero might.) Ah well, only a month of patience left. Let’s hope it goes quickly. I don’t know. I’m simply very querulous regarding it.

Okay, so, I’d written the above hours ago and was interrupted by a rather onerous interlude. One I did not enjoy, might I add. Ugh. Anyway, happy thoughts, happy thoughts! So, where was I? Ah, yes. Catching you all up.

That’s it as far as academia is concerned. Now I’m just excited at the prospect of University! I’ve sorted my Student Finance and accommodation out. (Finally. Honestly, the incompetence of some people… I mean, I know that’s rude, but surely they should be able to look after the, rather important, paperwork that I send to them. I’d had to fill out everything all over again.) I can’t wait! (Though I can. No. I can’t. Can’t, can’t, can’t! But I can. Shut up.) 

So, now onto the aspects of my social life. Well, thanks to a certain Tortoise who has always shared similar interests, I am now rather intrigued with Warhammer 40k and its lore.  My curiosity will be the death of me and he knows me too well, damn it. It’s just so interesting! The Space Marines and how, well, just darn awesome they are; the efficiency of the Imperial Guard; the ancient and knowledgeable feel of the Eldar (that was how he captured my interest in the first place; I have a thing for beings of wisdom – probably because I aspire, and fail, to be such – and the Eldar also have a subset entitled Harlequin. I always find it interesting to see the different interpretations that arise from that stock character of French Plays.) How compelling Chaos and its Ruinous Powers are, not to mention the complicated intricacies involved. It just fascinates me! I get absurdly excited and I just can’t contain my need to know. I find the mythology of most Universe’s, fictional or otherwise, absolutely alluring. I like the fact that practically everything has a story behind it; tales untold, narratives long lost. It can capture my thoughts for hours on end. I’m even inclined to go into the Games Workshop and learn a little about the game. I’m not as inclined to become an actual gamer, more concerned with learning enough about the game to supplement my knowledge of the lore because I really am quite engrossed! (Thanks, Tortoise.) All the Warhammer aside, I see him often enough and we go off on book hunts, (surrounded by the aroma of both aged and pristine pieces of literature, how else could I possibly want to spend my day? There is nothing more soothing. The familiarity is also quite comforting. Just the a priori knowledge that I will be going home with yet another gem excites me like little else could. – Okay, I am rather easily excited, I get that…) and I do enjoy his company! He’s rather wonderful! (I had to add that last  sentence in case he reads this… [Insert a mischievous wink here.])

The best friend has completed her first year of University and is now preparing for her second, more rigorous one. She has not quite regained (or gained at all, really) her sanity and our Skype conversations still make me blush. She makes me come out with sentences that I remember to be mortified by, hours later. I did see her a few weeks ago during her return to our city, and I had a rather splendid time. Again, we did not want to leave each other and found ways to procrastinate. I decided take her to my favourite book shop! (She ended up flirting with the worker there. Honestly, I can not leave her alone even to squeal at books. In fact, even I am not immune, she just resorts to flirting with me instead…) Even the security man at my local Tesco regularly asks about her and wants her to come and visit him. At Tesco. Whilst on duty. At my Tesco. (Do you all feel my pain? Because if you don’t, you should!) Though, I must admit, it is rather pleasant that I’ve built so many memories around her. I do miss her quite a lot, but hopefully I shall be seeing her soon enough and we can get on with our frolicsome ways!

Fluffy I see rather regularly and she doesn’t have to read this for me to exclaim just how amazing she is. (Neither does the Tortoise but shhhhh, that bit is a secret!) She’s genuinely decent, it always leaves me in awe. We’ve spent the days sitting at a green near her house and it has been somewhat cordial. Like something out of a fairy tale. Even when our giggles fall into silence, it is comfortable. It’s also rather humorous when we’re both exasperated with the situations in our lives because our facial expressions and body language are always the same. We end up casting our exasperation to the wind and fall into fits of mirth. She knows me rather well, to top it all off. Occasionally, it makes me jump and I am left touched to the core. I really am quite fond of her. If I approved of smiley faces in my posts, I would have put one there. And she’s rather crazy which is always fun! Though her insanity pales in comparison to mine! (But surely, you all know that by now.)

My current reading habits are a bit of a disappointment. I’m managing half a chapter a night and only just barely. Of course, it doesn’t exactly help that I’m currently reading two books simultaneously, not to mention started (and forced myself to put down) two others. And then there’s all the links I keep clicking on when it comes to the 40k’s Lexicanum… I am a bad, bad short person. (Though, we went to a Safari Park recently and I was taller than the Penguins there! Take that Penguins of a millennium ago! I’m taller than your descendants so ha!) Ahem. Yes, I’m quite touchy about that, if you hadn’t already guessed. Anyway, it’s not my fault! I keep buying cool books, (my mother’s patience with me is coming to its end…) and venturing into Waterstones to find yet more cool books. (I’m sorry bank balance.) I have a problem, okay?

Well that’s about it dear readers! This post is certainly lacking flow in structure but that may have something to do with the fact that I have taken more than twenty four hours to construct it… I’ve also used ellipses far to often in this post, but ah well. Fill in the blanks I guess. That way you can all make me cooler than I really am. Enjoy that!

“Knowledge is power, guard it well.” ~ Blood Ravens’ battle cry. Rather awesome, wouldn’t you say?

Did you hear that bang? Because yes, I am back! (My sympathies are with you all.)

Until then, I bid thee adieu!

The Enuii of June.

I started typing this throughout June and never got to the end of it, so here goes…

“Why hello there, dearest readers. I hope you are all well and that the world has treated you with kindness.

So, I’ve been absent of late, but it’s mostly to do with the fact that I’ve become very quiet in general. I have nothing to say to anyone. Well, I don’t know. I seem to have a lot to say when I’m alone, it’s just when I’m with anyone in person, everything I planned to say combusts into dust, which scatters in the wind. I just never get the chance to say it, our conversations are too enthralling and I forget about everything I was going to say. And I don’t have any interesting contributions to give. Maybe I’ve simply become more of a listener. I spend too much of my time talking otherwise.

I’m feeling a little lost. Exams have come again and I’m fretting. This is my last chance to prove myself to everyone who doubts me, but the amount of energy it requires is feeling like too much. I’m trying to revise, it just isn’t working, nothing sticks and my thoughts are scattering. Like the paint that sprays in the air when someone flicks the brush. That someone is a watered down version of despair. I simply feel very alone. I have four people I consider my closest friends: there is of course, the best friend. I’ve known her for seven years, and yes, our friendship has been through some fluctuations, but it’s still rather concrete. I’m finally comfortable with her; I can tell her things without the fear that she will sever our friendship. We can go months without speaking to one another, but when we do it’s like there was no distance at all. I feel the same about Fluffy, though I’ve known her for a lot less and been close to her for even less than that (I think it’s only just coming to a year). There is something very real about her that simply feels refreshing. I miss and think of her regularly; when we’re together, I don’t want to leave. I will grow old with her one day, definitely, and we will live happily ever after. So very quickly, she has equalled the best friend, she really does make me happy. I never fail to laugh when in her presence. Tortoise I’ve gotten close to again. No matter how hard I tried to keep my distance, my care and worry was just too great. And then he did me the honour of trusting me, stating that I was one of the few he considered true friends. How was I supposed to refrain from reciprocating that trust, that friendship? I couldn’t and I cannot.  Not to mention the fact that he is also rather honest and his manners are such that he makes me think of times long lost; another who makes me happy. Zelda is very good at grounding me and I turn to her when I start to lose my way. She is another one whose view of the world is a wake up call, she reminds me of what is important. Though we hardly talk, I know that I can trust her opinion.

I love these people, every single one in different ways, (and yet ultimately the same way) but there are times where I wonder whether they can ever truly know me. Maybe I’m just a convenience; someone there when no one else is. The last option. I feel rather replaceable and disposable of late. I mean, it was easy for Miss Equine.

I think that might be the crux of my problem. It’s nothing they’ve done, more my own internal struggles, and, well, experiences. I simply cannot fathom how someone can just stop caring. It’s beyond me. All that time and energy into one person for it all to mean nothing? How? How does a person do that? How did the woman who supported me through a low time, and had that help reciprocated, do that exactly?”

As you can see, I was full of melancholy and turmoil. I think, drama with Miss Equine aside, exams were getting to me too (they’re done and dusted now, one month to go!) and my mother didn’t help matters, (she was starting to sink into depression and I had to help her). I was feeling sepulchral inside, but I tried to remain vibrant and uplifting. (Misery does get boring, honestly, I’d had my fair share last year and I’m trying to get to the point where I’m more or less done with it.) Plus, I didn’t really want to inflict that on anyone else. However, that’s all done and dusted now! I’m rather ecstatic of late, and I no longer feel so disposable for any of the above. I revere each of them and I shall tell all in the next post!

Until then!

“A book holds a house of gold.” ~ Chinese Proverb.

End of an Era, Beginning of Me.

So, the year draws to a close, and my what a year it has been. I’ve spent most of the evening reminiscing over what has changed, and what never really changed at all. This year has probably been both the best and worst of my life, and if you knew what occurred, you’d understand that little (no pun on my height intended) juxtaposition right there. And because I’m a right little witch (pun intended), I shan’t elaborate for you tonight!

It’s so very strange. This time last year, I was chopping trees (my aunty wanted rid) and burning them, my own little new year bonfire. I even added memories I wanted destroyed to the pyre; finally moving on from a disappointing span of my life. – sneaky, I know. Once I was finished with my rather enjoyable act of arson, I took to drinking as much coca-cola as I could (because I’m such a good Muslim, didn’t you know?) and watching the New Year celebrations in London on BBC one, looking out for my best friend who I knew was a part of the festivities. I remember that as I watched the fireworks paint the sky and Big Ben chime the entrance of 2012, I closed my eyes and thought over 2011, saying in my head “Okay then, bring on 2012. Let’s see what you have to offer.” (I’m certifiable, yes, it’s true.) Little did I know exactly what it would bring.

It brought change, real change, like no other new year had. Change in my surroundings, change in my friends, change in the types of people I knew, change in where I lived, change in the dynamics of my relationships and most of all, change in myself. So much change in myself. A change, that in the last month or so has finally begun to seal and become concrete. I’ve spent so long, so very very long in trying to find myself, who I am, what personality I fit into. I’m only 18 and yet I feel like I’ve lived a lot longer that. Then, in reaction to that emotion, I feel selfish, so very naive and misinformed. I’d spent this entire year full of turmoil and despair for absolutely stupid reasons when drawn into comparison with real, true suffering. I don’t know what pain, disappointment is. Exactly how much of life have I seen? Not enough to pounce on and cling to the conclusions that I had during 2012. But it all stemmed from the fact that I didn’t know who I was, and what to do with myself. Which path to take.

So, slight tangent. I sent a generic text to all of my contacts wishing them a happy new year about some five minutes ago, of whom one of which replied referring to me as “babe.” [Inset an ample amount of shuddering here, please.]

Anyway, a few weeks ago, I was with Fluffy, and commented on how different she was from the rest of my friends. When I stopped to contemplate that a little with her, I realised that not one of my close friends were similar to the other; some were even polar opposites! Me in the middle? I was the “different of the different” (her words) and it was the first piece of my character that hit me. After that, more things fell into place. I still don’t really know who I am, I don’t really think anyone ever really does, but I’ve more clues now than I ever did before. (I didn’t have any clue at the beginning of 2012, so yes, it’s a lot more than I had.) I know which path to take, and now, I know the core elements that make up my character. I’ve always known my flaws, but some of my positive attributes now join that part of my cognizance. I must remark, like the pompous twat I am (see, the insight is clear!): it’s a damn good feeling.

Sister S played Elvis Presley so I went off on a little dance. If I’ve lost the flow of my post, that’s why. Just to clear that up.

My new years resolutions are minimal. First: I am going to be content with my life. (Because according to the Daily Post, I only have three months of it left. Death by Comet. How rather awesome. I watched a documentary on it, it was really rather interesting, if a tad apocalyptic.) Second: I shall read more. I’m going to live a thousand lives before I die, why should I only live my own? And third: No more plans, no more resolutions. I’m going to let the chips fall where they may and hope my deity is watching over.

So 2012, I thank you for that magic carpet of a ride. (Honestly, that’s more apt than a rollercoaster; magic carpets don’t have seatbelts.) Please may I have a calmer, less exhilarating 2013? Oh wait, (hopefully) I’ll be embarking on my life as a University student, finally having reached the destination of that very long horse-drawn carriage trip. Calm? I think not.

Oooh, I hear fireworks. Have a great 2013 readers! I’m genuinely quite content with my life, happy actually, and I hope the same can be said for you.

THREE… TWO… ONE. It’s officially 2013, and I have shivers.

Oh, and to you, dear reader, whom I’m deliberating on whether to send a more personal text to or not, I hope 2013 treats you even better than this last (is the short version of said text). Truly, I do. And I’m sorry in advance if I decide to text. Who knows, I may get some guts. It may also be my first official mistake of 2013. Hurrah for that. Anywho, no more secret messaging. (I’m stupid readers, I’m sorry. Just keep drinking and ignore me.)

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE. Have a spectacular one, and do continue reading my blog, thank you.

Live long and prosper readers. I’m off to drink some more coke.

Love and wishes, Suman (and Spock.) x

“New Year’s Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.” ~ James Agate. Come on 2013. Bring it on. I’m ready.

Broken Ties.

My dearest readers!

How are you all? (Please, leave a reply in the comments and tell me about your lives.) Long time no monologue, hey? I’m sorry that I sort of broke my promise about my weekly blogs (it will happen eventually I promise.) I’ve just been so busy lately trying to get myself organised (which by the way, still hasn’t happened. Will it ever?) and too ashamed to blog about it. I think it’s university application stress getting to me. I’m not allowed to apply here or there, why do I want to do this course? What will I get from it? etc etc. Ugh. What is my life? I’m so busy trying to keep everyone else happy, I’m running the risk of ruining my life. I know that’s a really selfish thing to say, but if I can’t act a little selfish on my blog, where can I act selfish? I will still be doing everything in my power to please my family and friends, but I’m allowed to moan about it, right? Please?

Anyway, what exciting tales do I have to tell you all after my rather extended silence? The real answer? Nothing. The only thing I can remember wanting to blog about was a badminton game I had with my mother three weeks ago. I had yet another indirect encounter with the aforementioned ex friend. (It was like a punch in the gut; someone referred to him as my friend, and requested that I ask him for a favour. Right in the keester. And then he walked right past us. That boy has impeccable timing I must say. And then there was my act of masochism and all the different times I ran into him. All about that later I guess. Maybe I should write another page to tell his story? I don’t know. I suppose if I was reading this blog, I’d be nosy curious about him).

What else? Ooh the outrageous amount of money I spent on books this month: something close to £90. Bad bookworm. Bad. That’s about as much of note as I can put for the last few weeks. Other than the fact that I got my biology notes written and have caught up with most of the work I’d missed in lessons (I’ve been very bad, my attendance has been less that 50%, but for valid reasons. I have genuinely been quite ill. Winter and all that.) A satisfying feeling indeed! Oh, and I’ve passed my UKCAT test. That’s another plus.

Speaking of books, (okay, I spoke of them earlier than that but still) I’ve got a massive list I need to read. Currently, I’m reading The Life of Pi by Yann Martel after just finishing the beguiling works of Patrick Rothfuss: The Wise Man’s Fear (excellent, excellent novel. I love it so much. It’s a sequel and the first book was awe inspiring. Honestly. Read it and change your lives.)

What else has gone on, hmmmm…? I figure I should tell you all about my masochism regarding monsieur ex friend. I saw him sitting alone in a classroom last week, and I don’t know, an array of emotions surged vehemently within me. I was struck by the preposterous idea of walking in there and apologising to/confronting him, it took a phone call to a friend to stop me. I wanted to cry; I couldn’t breathe, I was just so nervous. Should I go in, or not? What would happen? (He would have probably killed me to be honest, and most likely reported me to the police and health authorities because I’m basically a psycho.) But it hurt me not to be able to ask him how he was, or why he was sitting by himself. Seeing him alone like that, struck a chord inside of me. I didn’t want him to be alone, I’d sworn to him that as long as I was around, he would never be alone, and I hated that he’d put me into a position where I couldn’t fulfil my promise. Why do people do that? I never break my promises, it’s just not in me to do so. I’ve had too many broken myself to inflict that kind of disappointment on someone else. Why do they leave me with no choice but to break them? He denies my very existence and I can’t help him. Ugh, what is life even?

Anyway, even though I’ve been told by countless people that he was in the wrong and that though I made some mistakes, ultimately the fault was his, later that night, I apologised to him. I sent him 13 text messages (that’s how long it was, this situation really bothers me: I miss him) begging for his forgiveness, because the way I see it, my actions hurt him, and even though that wasn’t the intention, for that, for causing him to feel the rigmarole of emotions that he did, I could apologise and I did. I told him not to acknowledge it, that I didn’t want this to reconcile things, but that I needed him to know. It was my closure of sorts. I’d been waiting for an opportunity to say something similar to him ever since this hogwash started. I hadn’t told anyone, I didn’t want the attention, the “awww, why are you so nice?” or the anger as to my lack of self respect, I just wanted to apologise for hurting him, even if I wasn’t at fault (which I was on occasion  I made mistakes too. I am human and stupid after all) and didn’t want to hear several people telling me they wouldn’t have done the same. Apologising to someone has never belittled me, whether I’ve been in the wrong or not, and if it stops the tendrils of animosity spreading, what’s the harm?

But guess what Mr High and Mighty did? He decided to tell the boyfriend of my close friend, who in turn told his girlfriend. And he isn’t even all that fond of this boyfriend, so God knows who else he’s told. Ugh, why did he do that? I’d asked him not to acknowledge it. And in a sense, he hasn’t. He didn’t text back, and looked away when we crossed paths, and yet, he felt no shame in telling everyone else. I don’t even know him any more. But at least this way, I know he read it and I have my closure. Or at least I thought…

For the last couple of weeks, I have been invited to various outings/films/parties to which I know I would never be allowed to attend, so I shunned them off repeatedly. But this weekend, there will be a Halloween party to which again I have been invited to stay the night. Now, I have been good. I have not asked to go to any of these invitations as I know what the answer will be. I’m seriously hoping I will be allowed to go this weekend, but guess who else is invited? Yes, the badger himself. I wonder what he’ll do if I turn up… I like to assume that since I apologised to him, he’d have the decency to at least endure my company if not talk to me. But I do know him better than that. I think he’ll leave. But then, he’s very aware of how other people perceive him. It’ll be a dilemna for him certainly. And then I may not even be allowed to go… We’ll see. I’ll keep you all posted, assuming any of you are actually interested in the childish woes of my life.

My mother is amazing. She just shouted to the occupants of the house in general (that’s the monsters, aka my younger sisters) that Star Wars is on. My mother understands our love for Star Wars. How cool is that?

Merlin is on tonight, I almost forgot. It is freak-mazing and I highly recommend it if you like things like Doctor Who (Ah, the Ponds, no!) and stuff. And how can you not love a bit of myth, legend and magic? Surely that’s enough to capture anyone? (Except the ex-friend; he was picky about their armour.)

Oh dear, this post just isn’t flowing. That’s a massive puncture in my writing style: my structure. It is horrendous and was always what stopped me from getting full marks in my English essays. Curse you anti flow! This is why I will never be a poet. There is no flow, and now, because of that, I am full of woe. (I’ll admit, the first word I thought to rhyme was “though”, and that made me sound like a chav so I edited. I hope I don’t have an endogenous chav. If I do, someone burn me at the stake, and then stab me with pitchforks too.)

The one person I realise I haven’t mentioned is my best friend who is finally at University and becoming the woman she has aspired to be. That’s a sore spot really, we’ve grown apart, already, and she’s only been gone just over a month. I miss her so much, but I can’t be a hindrance. I’m not even sure if she’ll read this. Part of me hopes she does, the other, doesn’t. I don’t know, all I do know is that I miss her like I’d miss a limb: immensely. Desolate, almost useless without it. Ah, yet another broken/breaking tie. Sigh, sigh.

The last thing of note is the splendid time I spent in Starbucks with the loveliest of friends, (okay, I guess I’m not completely alone. I should appreciate these people more really) and I genuinely had a wonderful time. I shall not forget it. It was very cosy (full of raunchy conversation too, but that’s her fault, I have a halo) spilling with mirth. I must do that more often.

That’s about it for my mortal musings today, I spoke about my ex friend more than I should and hopefully more than I ever will, but he was a very important person in my life, and he’s just gone. I don’t want to go all Twilight on you all (or New Moon actually. I had a twihard phase, okay. Torture me later) but the sudden absence genuinely does feel like a gaping hole where I keep trying to restitch hopeless seams. I’m a woman, I’m allowed to have at least one man I’m an idiot over at any given time, even if we were just friends. I think that actually makes it worse.

Anywho, quotes, quotes, quote-i-di-do-da, hmmm. This is where I stalk my own Facebook.

“I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.” ~ Oscar Wilde. Or in my case, my blog. This quote tickled me for some days, indeed!

Until next time, readers: goodbye, farewell, auf wiedersehen, and as ever, adieu.

Ramblings, Rants and Raves.

So I don’t really have anything to say, and yet I am blogging anyway. (That rhymed. It’s official: My hidden poetic talents are surfacing at last!) My plan is just to ramble on about a load of nonsense hoping that it somehow sounds the reverse. Though, thinking about it, that’s exactly what all of my previous posts have been. I need cerebral scrutiny, seriously. The fact that I just used that combination of words as opposed to something like “I need a brain scan” proves it. But as stated previously, I will use alliteration whenever I can. I do like it. I also keep getting distracted by the television; such a nuisance.

You know, I’ve realised, for a self announced book lover, I’ve spoken quite a lot about programmes that I’m not actually interested in, and not mentioned a single of the countless novels that take over the majority of my thoughts. The reason is simple, I’m currently not reading a novel. (I should be struck by lightening, I know. Maybe God will do justice on all of those books tonight? I know I would.) My excuse is this:

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I have a tonne of books I need to finish; series I need to complete; stories I need to embed into my soul. (Yes, books mean that much to me. No, it doesn’t mean I need sectioning. Yes, I truly believe that.) And yet, here I am, procrastinating in book shops when I really should save myself some money and finish the ones I have. But… How can I not buy more? There’s so many interesting works out there! I just can’t leave them on the shelves. Hell, I can’t even resist the temptation of walking past the damn shop! I’ll have to do something about that. This can’t go on. I’ve allocated myself two hours a night to read books and not once have I done so over these past two weeks. Bad. Bad, bad, bad. Maybe I’ll take a different route on my way back from college. It’s the only solution I have at the moment.

Speaking of college, I have another confession to make. Well, not exactly a confession as I’m not really guilty, but I still feel sorry, so confession: (What was the point of that sentence, really? – Ah, the mundane ramblings of an idiot.)  I’d not attended college yesterday under the pretence that I was ill. Well, Karma or Fate got her own back because guess what happened today? That’s right, (unless you were wrong, in which case, that’s wrong), I fell ill. I felt absolutely dreadful this morning, and consequently missed out on my Biology and Chemistry lessons. (So everything I said would occur today in my post yesterday, with the one exception, didn’t. It just goes to show how easily the day can change.) I feel like I’m indeed taking you all on my journey with me. My journey into ruin. Yes, I need shooting. Yes, you can do so if you wish. But, I have only the one lesson first thing tomorrow morning so I will have plenty of time to catch up and complete the work I’ve put off for the duration of this blog. Good news at last!

Sister A is playing the complete version of “The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air” and I’m trying to rap along with it. In West Philadelphia, born and raised…

I am oh so cool wouldn’t you say? Also, I just heard the totally charming Colin Firth say the word “spaz” and saw the completely to-die-for Hugh Grant dance like a twat. My life is made.

So! That’s about it for my ramblings. Here’s a few last points I’d wanted to mention before I leave you all:

  • I changed the title of my second blog from “The Rage of Insomnia” to “The Fall of Plans” seeing as how the latter was more apt. And the former is a really good title! I just think it would be more suited if a post was about something that keeps me up at night, and trust me that will happen. The petty woes of my life and whatnot.
  • I’d wanted to rant on about my disgust regarding the response in the Islamic States to that pathetic anti-islam video. But, really there’s no point. Their actions are despicable but will they listen to reason? No. Honestly. The religion is about peace. Not really showing that with the protests, genii. Killing that American Ambassador is in fact worse than the video. I don’t tend to discuss religion often, and I doubt I will again, but I just thought that needed to be said by someone who is a Muslim and for the world to know, that we’re not all illiterate, uneducated fools. Though, it appears sadly, that we’re a minority. The adversities of life.
  • (So, there’s the mention of a rant, I’ve done the ramblings, and okay, I lied about the raves. Sorry. Have a drink on me and rave all night and perhaps put it in the comments?)
  • I think I’m going to reduce the amount of times I post. Firstly, this was not a part of my rota, and secondly, I’m running out of things to say. My posts are actually boring me. I have nothing exciting to say. I’m so prosaic (with only a tiny sprinkle of insanity). It’s ludicrous, so I’m going to try and cut this down to once a week.
  • I also had something to say about my ex-friend (as ever), but I can’t remember! Who would have thought it!? Is this a good sign? Or a bad one? You know, I’m not entirely sure.
  • Today was officially the last day I saw my best friend. She’s off on her journeys tomorrow, and I may just descend into depression. All’s well that ends well, Shakespeare? I think not. A good ending for one person, may be the worst thing possible for another. Think about that with your (though excellent) decaying/decayed mind.

And with that, I have a quote here that’ll both amuse you and confuse you. The best combination!

“Contrariwise, if it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn’t, it ain’t. That’s logic.” ~ Lewis Carrol. Think about that.

Until next week, (if I can resist), I bid thee oh reader, adieu.