Broken Ties.

My dearest readers!

How are you all? (Please, leave a reply in the comments and tell me about your lives.) Long time no monologue, hey? I’m sorry that I sort of broke my promise about my weekly blogs (it will happen eventually I promise.) I’ve just been so busy lately trying to get myself organised (which by the way, still hasn’t happened. Will it ever?) and too ashamed to blog about it. I think it’s university application stress getting to me. I’m not allowed to apply here or there, why do I want to do this course? What will I get from it? etc etc. Ugh. What is my life? I’m so busy trying to keep everyone else happy, I’m running the risk of ruining my life. I know that’s a really selfish thing to say, but if I can’t act a little selfish on my blog, where can I act selfish? I will still be doing everything in my power to please my family and friends, but I’m allowed to moan about it, right? Please?

Anyway, what exciting tales do I have to tell you all after my rather extended silence? The real answer? Nothing. The only thing I can remember wanting to blog about was a badminton game I had with my mother three weeks ago. I had yet another indirect encounter with the aforementioned ex friend. (It was like a punch in the gut; someone referred to him as my friend, and requested that I ask him for a favour. Right in the keester. And then he walked right past us. That boy has impeccable timing I must say. And then there was my act of masochism and all the different times I ran into him. All about that later I guess. Maybe I should write another page to tell his story? I don’t know. I suppose if I was reading this blog, I’d be nosy curious about him).

What else? Ooh the outrageous amount of money I spent on books this month: something close to £90. Bad bookworm. Bad. That’s about as much of note as I can put for the last few weeks. Other than the fact that I got my biology notes written and have caught up with most of the work I’d missed in lessons (I’ve been very bad, my attendance has been less that 50%, but for valid reasons. I have genuinely been quite ill. Winter and all that.) A satisfying feeling indeed! Oh, and I’ve passed my UKCAT test. That’s another plus.

Speaking of books, (okay, I spoke of them earlier than that but still) I’ve got a massive list I need to read. Currently, I’m reading The Life of Pi by Yann Martel after just finishing the beguiling works of Patrick Rothfuss: The Wise Man’s Fear (excellent, excellent novel. I love it so much. It’s a sequel and the first book was awe inspiring. Honestly. Read it and change your lives.)

What else has gone on, hmmmm…? I figure I should tell you all about my masochism regarding monsieur ex friend. I saw him sitting alone in a classroom last week, and I don’t know, an array of emotions surged vehemently within me. I was struck by the preposterous idea of walking in there and apologising to/confronting him, it took a phone call to a friend to stop me. I wanted to cry; I couldn’t breathe, I was just so nervous. Should I go in, or not? What would happen? (He would have probably killed me to be honest, and most likely reported me to the police and health authorities because I’m basically a psycho.) But it hurt me not to be able to ask him how he was, or why he was sitting by himself. Seeing him alone like that, struck a chord inside of me. I didn’t want him to be alone, I’d sworn to him that as long as I was around, he would never be alone, and I hated that he’d put me into a position where I couldn’t fulfil my promise. Why do people do that? I never break my promises, it’s just not in me to do so. I’ve had too many broken myself to inflict that kind of disappointment on someone else. Why do they leave me with no choice but to break them? He denies my very existence and I can’t help him. Ugh, what is life even?

Anyway, even though I’ve been told by countless people that he was in the wrong and that though I made some mistakes, ultimately the fault was his, later that night, I apologised to him. I sent him 13 text messages (that’s how long it was, this situation really bothers me: I miss him) begging for his forgiveness, because the way I see it, my actions hurt him, and even though that wasn’t the intention, for that, for causing him to feel the rigmarole of emotions that he did, I could apologise and I did. I told him not to acknowledge it, that I didn’t want this to reconcile things, but that I needed him to know. It was my closure of sorts. I’d been waiting for an opportunity to say something similar to him ever since this hogwash started. I hadn’t told anyone, I didn’t want the attention, the “awww, why are you so nice?” or the anger as to my lack of self respect, I just wanted to apologise for hurting him, even if I wasn’t at fault (which I was on occasion  I made mistakes too. I am human and stupid after all) and didn’t want to hear several people telling me they wouldn’t have done the same. Apologising to someone has never belittled me, whether I’ve been in the wrong or not, and if it stops the tendrils of animosity spreading, what’s the harm?

But guess what Mr High and Mighty did? He decided to tell the boyfriend of my close friend, who in turn told his girlfriend. And he isn’t even all that fond of this boyfriend, so God knows who else he’s told. Ugh, why did he do that? I’d asked him not to acknowledge it. And in a sense, he hasn’t. He didn’t text back, and looked away when we crossed paths, and yet, he felt no shame in telling everyone else. I don’t even know him any more. But at least this way, I know he read it and I have my closure. Or at least I thought…

For the last couple of weeks, I have been invited to various outings/films/parties to which I know I would never be allowed to attend, so I shunned them off repeatedly. But this weekend, there will be a Halloween party to which again I have been invited to stay the night. Now, I have been good. I have not asked to go to any of these invitations as I know what the answer will be. I’m seriously hoping I will be allowed to go this weekend, but guess who else is invited? Yes, the badger himself. I wonder what he’ll do if I turn up… I like to assume that since I apologised to him, he’d have the decency to at least endure my company if not talk to me. But I do know him better than that. I think he’ll leave. But then, he’s very aware of how other people perceive him. It’ll be a dilemna for him certainly. And then I may not even be allowed to go… We’ll see. I’ll keep you all posted, assuming any of you are actually interested in the childish woes of my life.

My mother is amazing. She just shouted to the occupants of the house in general (that’s the monsters, aka my younger sisters) that Star Wars is on. My mother understands our love for Star Wars. How cool is that?

Merlin is on tonight, I almost forgot. It is freak-mazing and I highly recommend it if you like things like Doctor Who (Ah, the Ponds, no!) and stuff. And how can you not love a bit of myth, legend and magic? Surely that’s enough to capture anyone? (Except the ex-friend; he was picky about their armour.)

Oh dear, this post just isn’t flowing. That’s a massive puncture in my writing style: my structure. It is horrendous and was always what stopped me from getting full marks in my English essays. Curse you anti flow! This is why I will never be a poet. There is no flow, and now, because of that, I am full of woe. (I’ll admit, the first word I thought to rhyme was “though”, and that made me sound like a chav so I edited. I hope I don’t have an endogenous chav. If I do, someone burn me at the stake, and then stab me with pitchforks too.)

The one person I realise I haven’t mentioned is my best friend who is finally at University and becoming the woman she has aspired to be. That’s a sore spot really, we’ve grown apart, already, and she’s only been gone just over a month. I miss her so much, but I can’t be a hindrance. I’m not even sure if she’ll read this. Part of me hopes she does, the other, doesn’t. I don’t know, all I do know is that I miss her like I’d miss a limb: immensely. Desolate, almost useless without it. Ah, yet another broken/breaking tie. Sigh, sigh.

The last thing of note is the splendid time I spent in Starbucks with the loveliest of friends, (okay, I guess I’m not completely alone. I should appreciate these people more really) and I genuinely had a wonderful time. I shall not forget it. It was very cosy (full of raunchy conversation too, but that’s her fault, I have a halo) spilling with mirth. I must do that more often.

That’s about it for my mortal musings today, I spoke about my ex friend more than I should and hopefully more than I ever will, but he was a very important person in my life, and he’s just gone. I don’t want to go all Twilight on you all (or New Moon actually. I had a twihard phase, okay. Torture me later) but the sudden absence genuinely does feel like a gaping hole where I keep trying to restitch hopeless seams. I’m a woman, I’m allowed to have at least one man I’m an idiot over at any given time, even if we were just friends. I think that actually makes it worse.

Anywho, quotes, quotes, quote-i-di-do-da, hmmm. This is where I stalk my own Facebook.

“I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.” ~ Oscar Wilde. Or in my case, my blog. This quote tickled me for some days, indeed!

Until next time, readers: goodbye, farewell, auf wiedersehen, and as ever, adieu.

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