Back with a resounding bang.

Oh, why hello there, my dearest readers. I hope this wayward world has been treating you all rather well! It has been a while since my last proper monologue, has it not? I do apologise. Life has taken up the hobby of toying with me recently and my thoughts have been somewhat scattered. (Not exactly the best admission to make when the curtains of exam season have only just closed, but ah well. I was focused during them at least, my brain was buzzing with all the information I tried to embed into it. Time will tell whether I was successful or not!) So, what to tell you all?

Well, firstly, I should probably inform you that this rigmarole of an academic year has come to its end and golly, what a year it has been. Admittedly, I spent the majority of it at home (yes, I am a very bad student, but I did spend some of my time teaching myself! I suppose I should remain alert as I did give you readers permission to shoot me in the leg if I did not conform to my rota – which never happened by the way…) or arguing with/for the people in my life, most of whom, I suspect, I shall sadly not see again. Already, I have stopped my usual contact with the majority of them. Though this was deliberate: I contact, because I care. If they cared, they would contact. And that’s all there is to it. I am rather surprised that I managed to make acquaintances at all, to be honest. When I started this college in the Autumn of 2011 I had planned to remain an introvert; antisocial and remain on my studies. (I hadn’t exactly been in the best frame of mind at the time…) It’s safe to say that that plan crumbled rather quickly. Well, okay, it didn’t exactly crumble. More melted, like a finely baked butterscotch shortcake does when it hits your tongue, (we better have some in the house, because I really want one now. Damn my sweet similies!) Anyway, enough with the sad thoughts! I am, as stated in the previous post, actually rather happy and excited! But more on that later. (I am a horrible tease, I know.)

Exam season came and went without any real consequence. Well, there was one significant event, but I’m not inclined to discuss that online as of yet. It was a relief when they were over, but also a little daunting. These papers would and will determine the course of my life. Ugh, results are within three weeks and I am ever so nervous, but at the same time ludicrously excited! After results, depending on whether I get into University or not, I will have exactly a month in Nottingham before I embark on the true journey of my life. The horse drawn carriage will suddenly be carried by Pegasus and I shall begin anew. At least, one can hope. (Hurry up, Pegasus. I need you more than any Greek hero might.) Ah well, only a month of patience left. Let’s hope it goes quickly. I don’t know. I’m simply very querulous regarding it.

Okay, so, I’d written the above hours ago and was interrupted by a rather onerous interlude. One I did not enjoy, might I add. Ugh. Anyway, happy thoughts, happy thoughts! So, where was I? Ah, yes. Catching you all up.

That’s it as far as academia is concerned. Now I’m just excited at the prospect of University! I’ve sorted my Student Finance and accommodation out. (Finally. Honestly, the incompetence of some people… I mean, I know that’s rude, but surely they should be able to look after the, rather important, paperwork that I send to them. I’d had to fill out everything all over again.) I can’t wait! (Though I can. No. I can’t. Can’t, can’t, can’t! But I can. Shut up.) 

So, now onto the aspects of my social life. Well, thanks to a certain Tortoise who has always shared similar interests, I am now rather intrigued with Warhammer 40k and its lore.  My curiosity will be the death of me and he knows me too well, damn it. It’s just so interesting! The Space Marines and how, well, just darn awesome they are; the efficiency of the Imperial Guard; the ancient and knowledgeable feel of the Eldar (that was how he captured my interest in the first place; I have a thing for beings of wisdom – probably because I aspire, and fail, to be such – and the Eldar also have a subset entitled Harlequin. I always find it interesting to see the different interpretations that arise from that stock character of French Plays.) How compelling Chaos and its Ruinous Powers are, not to mention the complicated intricacies involved. It just fascinates me! I get absurdly excited and I just can’t contain my need to know. I find the mythology of most Universe’s, fictional or otherwise, absolutely alluring. I like the fact that practically everything has a story behind it; tales untold, narratives long lost. It can capture my thoughts for hours on end. I’m even inclined to go into the Games Workshop and learn a little about the game. I’m not as inclined to become an actual gamer, more concerned with learning enough about the game to supplement my knowledge of the lore because I really am quite engrossed! (Thanks, Tortoise.) All the Warhammer aside, I see him often enough and we go off on book hunts, (surrounded by the aroma of both aged and pristine pieces of literature, how else could I possibly want to spend my day? There is nothing more soothing. The familiarity is also quite comforting. Just the a priori knowledge that I will be going home with yet another gem excites me like little else could. – Okay, I am rather easily excited, I get that…) and I do enjoy his company! He’s rather wonderful! (I had to add that last  sentence in case he reads this… [Insert a mischievous wink here.])

The best friend has completed her first year of University and is now preparing for her second, more rigorous one. She has not quite regained (or gained at all, really) her sanity and our Skype conversations still make me blush. She makes me come out with sentences that I remember to be mortified by, hours later. I did see her a few weeks ago during her return to our city, and I had a rather splendid time. Again, we did not want to leave each other and found ways to procrastinate. I decided take her to my favourite book shop! (She ended up flirting with the worker there. Honestly, I can not leave her alone even to squeal at books. In fact, even I am not immune, she just resorts to flirting with me instead…) Even the security man at my local Tesco regularly asks about her and wants her to come and visit him. At Tesco. Whilst on duty. At my Tesco. (Do you all feel my pain? Because if you don’t, you should!) Though, I must admit, it is rather pleasant that I’ve built so many memories around her. I do miss her quite a lot, but hopefully I shall be seeing her soon enough and we can get on with our frolicsome ways!

Fluffy I see rather regularly and she doesn’t have to read this for me to exclaim just how amazing she is. (Neither does the Tortoise but shhhhh, that bit is a secret!) She’s genuinely decent, it always leaves me in awe. We’ve spent the days sitting at a green near her house and it has been somewhat cordial. Like something out of a fairy tale. Even when our giggles fall into silence, it is comfortable. It’s also rather humorous when we’re both exasperated with the situations in our lives because our facial expressions and body language are always the same. We end up casting our exasperation to the wind and fall into fits of mirth. She knows me rather well, to top it all off. Occasionally, it makes me jump and I am left touched to the core. I really am quite fond of her. If I approved of smiley faces in my posts, I would have put one there. And she’s rather crazy which is always fun! Though her insanity pales in comparison to mine! (But surely, you all know that by now.)

My current reading habits are a bit of a disappointment. I’m managing half a chapter a night and only just barely. Of course, it doesn’t exactly help that I’m currently reading two books simultaneously, not to mention started (and forced myself to put down) two others. And then there’s all the links I keep clicking on when it comes to the 40k’s Lexicanum… I am a bad, bad short person. (Though, we went to a Safari Park recently and I was taller than the Penguins there! Take that Penguins of a millennium ago! I’m taller than your descendants so ha!) Ahem. Yes, I’m quite touchy about that, if you hadn’t already guessed. Anyway, it’s not my fault! I keep buying cool books, (my mother’s patience with me is coming to its end…) and venturing into Waterstones to find yet more cool books. (I’m sorry bank balance.) I have a problem, okay?

Well that’s about it dear readers! This post is certainly lacking flow in structure but that may have something to do with the fact that I have taken more than twenty four hours to construct it… I’ve also used ellipses far to often in this post, but ah well. Fill in the blanks I guess. That way you can all make me cooler than I really am. Enjoy that!

“Knowledge is power, guard it well.” ~ Blood Ravens’ battle cry. Rather awesome, wouldn’t you say?

Did you hear that bang? Because yes, I am back! (My sympathies are with you all.)

Until then, I bid thee adieu!

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The Enuii of June.

I started typing this throughout June and never got to the end of it, so here goes…

“Why hello there, dearest readers. I hope you are all well and that the world has treated you with kindness.

So, I’ve been absent of late, but it’s mostly to do with the fact that I’ve become very quiet in general. I have nothing to say to anyone. Well, I don’t know. I seem to have a lot to say when I’m alone, it’s just when I’m with anyone in person, everything I planned to say combusts into dust, which scatters in the wind. I just never get the chance to say it, our conversations are too enthralling and I forget about everything I was going to say. And I don’t have any interesting contributions to give. Maybe I’ve simply become more of a listener. I spend too much of my time talking otherwise.

I’m feeling a little lost. Exams have come again and I’m fretting. This is my last chance to prove myself to everyone who doubts me, but the amount of energy it requires is feeling like too much. I’m trying to revise, it just isn’t working, nothing sticks and my thoughts are scattering. Like the paint that sprays in the air when someone flicks the brush. That someone is a watered down version of despair. I simply feel very alone. I have four people I consider my closest friends: there is of course, the best friend. I’ve known her for seven years, and yes, our friendship has been through some fluctuations, but it’s still rather concrete. I’m finally comfortable with her; I can tell her things without the fear that she will sever our friendship. We can go months without speaking to one another, but when we do it’s like there was no distance at all. I feel the same about Fluffy, though I’ve known her for a lot less and been close to her for even less than that (I think it’s only just coming to a year). There is something very real about her that simply feels refreshing. I miss and think of her regularly; when we’re together, I don’t want to leave. I will grow old with her one day, definitely, and we will live happily ever after. So very quickly, she has equalled the best friend, she really does make me happy. I never fail to laugh when in her presence. Tortoise I’ve gotten close to again. No matter how hard I tried to keep my distance, my care and worry was just too great. And then he did me the honour of trusting me, stating that I was one of the few he considered true friends. How was I supposed to refrain from reciprocating that trust, that friendship? I couldn’t and I cannot.  Not to mention the fact that he is also rather honest and his manners are such that he makes me think of times long lost; another who makes me happy. Zelda is very good at grounding me and I turn to her when I start to lose my way. She is another one whose view of the world is a wake up call, she reminds me of what is important. Though we hardly talk, I know that I can trust her opinion.

I love these people, every single one in different ways, (and yet ultimately the same way) but there are times where I wonder whether they can ever truly know me. Maybe I’m just a convenience; someone there when no one else is. The last option. I feel rather replaceable and disposable of late. I mean, it was easy for Miss Equine.

I think that might be the crux of my problem. It’s nothing they’ve done, more my own internal struggles, and, well, experiences. I simply cannot fathom how someone can just stop caring. It’s beyond me. All that time and energy into one person for it all to mean nothing? How? How does a person do that? How did the woman who supported me through a low time, and had that help reciprocated, do that exactly?”

As you can see, I was full of melancholy and turmoil. I think, drama with Miss Equine aside, exams were getting to me too (they’re done and dusted now, one month to go!) and my mother didn’t help matters, (she was starting to sink into depression and I had to help her). I was feeling sepulchral inside, but I tried to remain vibrant and uplifting. (Misery does get boring, honestly, I’d had my fair share last year and I’m trying to get to the point where I’m more or less done with it.) Plus, I didn’t really want to inflict that on anyone else. However, that’s all done and dusted now! I’m rather ecstatic of late, and I no longer feel so disposable for any of the above. I revere each of them and I shall tell all in the next post!

Until then!

“A book holds a house of gold.” ~ Chinese Proverb.

Just a little note…

Hello my beloved readers!

It has been quite the while. I have so much to tell you all! My, a lot has changed within the last month. For one, I’m a year older! (Ugh), and my circle of friends seems to be ever expanding (shocker!), though admittedly, it’s more the return of old acquaintances. My attendance has improved, (we’re looking at 50% now! – yes, I need shooting), exams are over (results soon, please kill me?), and now the real clincher is coursework! So, I better get on with it.

I shall be monologuing again soon (I have three weeks worth of a draft coming along), until then my dears, take care and I bid thee adieu!

“A nation’s treasure is in its scholars.” ~ Chinese Proverb.

End of an Era, Beginning of Me.

So, the year draws to a close, and my what a year it has been. I’ve spent most of the evening reminiscing over what has changed, and what never really changed at all. This year has probably been both the best and worst of my life, and if you knew what occurred, you’d understand that little (no pun on my height intended) juxtaposition right there. And because I’m a right little witch (pun intended), I shan’t elaborate for you tonight!

It’s so very strange. This time last year, I was chopping trees (my aunty wanted rid) and burning them, my own little new year bonfire. I even added memories I wanted destroyed to the pyre; finally moving on from a disappointing span of my life. – sneaky, I know. Once I was finished with my rather enjoyable act of arson, I took to drinking as much coca-cola as I could (because I’m such a good Muslim, didn’t you know?) and watching the New Year celebrations in London on BBC one, looking out for my best friend who I knew was a part of the festivities. I remember that as I watched the fireworks paint the sky and Big Ben chime the entrance of 2012, I closed my eyes and thought over 2011, saying in my head “Okay then, bring on 2012. Let’s see what you have to offer.” (I’m certifiable, yes, it’s true.) Little did I know exactly what it would bring.

It brought change, real change, like no other new year had. Change in my surroundings, change in my friends, change in the types of people I knew, change in where I lived, change in the dynamics of my relationships and most of all, change in myself. So much change in myself. A change, that in the last month or so has finally begun to seal and become concrete. I’ve spent so long, so very very long in trying to find myself, who I am, what personality I fit into. I’m only 18 and yet I feel like I’ve lived a lot longer that. Then, in reaction to that emotion, I feel selfish, so very naive and misinformed. I’d spent this entire year full of turmoil and despair for absolutely stupid reasons when drawn into comparison with real, true suffering. I don’t know what pain, disappointment is. Exactly how much of life have I seen? Not enough to pounce on and cling to the conclusions that I had during 2012. But it all stemmed from the fact that I didn’t know who I was, and what to do with myself. Which path to take.

So, slight tangent. I sent a generic text to all of my contacts wishing them a happy new year about some five minutes ago, of whom one of which replied referring to me as “babe.” [Inset an ample amount of shuddering here, please.]

Anyway, a few weeks ago, I was with Fluffy, and commented on how different she was from the rest of my friends. When I stopped to contemplate that a little with her, I realised that not one of my close friends were similar to the other; some were even polar opposites! Me in the middle? I was the “different of the different” (her words) and it was the first piece of my character that hit me. After that, more things fell into place. I still don’t really know who I am, I don’t really think anyone ever really does, but I’ve more clues now than I ever did before. (I didn’t have any clue at the beginning of 2012, so yes, it’s a lot more than I had.) I know which path to take, and now, I know the core elements that make up my character. I’ve always known my flaws, but some of my positive attributes now join that part of my cognizance. I must remark, like the pompous twat I am (see, the insight is clear!): it’s a damn good feeling.

Sister S played Elvis Presley so I went off on a little dance. If I’ve lost the flow of my post, that’s why. Just to clear that up.

My new years resolutions are minimal. First: I am going to be content with my life. (Because according to the Daily Post, I only have three months of it left. Death by Comet. How rather awesome. I watched a documentary on it, it was really rather interesting, if a tad apocalyptic.) Second: I shall read more. I’m going to live a thousand lives before I die, why should I only live my own? And third: No more plans, no more resolutions. I’m going to let the chips fall where they may and hope my deity is watching over.

So 2012, I thank you for that magic carpet of a ride. (Honestly, that’s more apt than a rollercoaster; magic carpets don’t have seatbelts.) Please may I have a calmer, less exhilarating 2013? Oh wait, (hopefully) I’ll be embarking on my life as a University student, finally having reached the destination of that very long horse-drawn carriage trip. Calm? I think not.

Oooh, I hear fireworks. Have a great 2013 readers! I’m genuinely quite content with my life, happy actually, and I hope the same can be said for you.

THREE… TWO… ONE. It’s officially 2013, and I have shivers.

Oh, and to you, dear reader, whom I’m deliberating on whether to send a more personal text to or not, I hope 2013 treats you even better than this last (is the short version of said text). Truly, I do. And I’m sorry in advance if I decide to text. Who knows, I may get some guts. It may also be my first official mistake of 2013. Hurrah for that. Anywho, no more secret messaging. (I’m stupid readers, I’m sorry. Just keep drinking and ignore me.)

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE. Have a spectacular one, and do continue reading my blog, thank you.

Live long and prosper readers. I’m off to drink some more coke.

Love and wishes, Suman (and Spock.) x

“New Year’s Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.” ~ James Agate. Come on 2013. Bring it on. I’m ready.

Well, What A Load Of Faeces.

So, ex friend? May end up reading my blog thanks to the fact that I texted a friend of mine (who is at this party) and because she was too drunk to reply, she got him to. (I knew, knew it was from him. She doesn’t usually end her texts with a fullstop, and the tone rang of him. I just had such a sharp inkling…) Which means he saw the text containing the link to my blog telling her to read from the bottom up. (And it also means that he has indirectly texted me in over 4 months. Holy insert-whatever-expletive-you-like-here, my feelings.) Oops. Well, I’m not deleting all of this work I’ve put in and I am more or less completely over him. Hearing his voice in the background was a little painful, but I don’t give a damn. I think. Apologising to him was the best thing I ever did. The guilt I’ve felt for hurting him is finally over because I didn’t do it intentionally in the first place, and his conclusions were just a whole load of poppycock to begin with. But he knows how sorry I am, and now I know what a freed bird feels like.

I know him well enough to know that some of the things I’ve said will piss him right off and probably make him hate me more than he already does. And it’ll probably just confirm his ridiculous thought that I am obsessed and possessive of him. Oh well. Big woop. Doesn’t really change anything for me does it? Clearly, everyone he’s ever cared about, he’s been obsessed with, as it’s the only comparison he’s drawn on. (Okay, maybe that was a bit out of order, but this guy has hurt me just as much as I have hurt him and he refuses to consider the possibility. I at least can acknowledge the fact that I may have hurt him and pushed him away with my actions. And I would never have told another soul that I’d apologised to him either, if he hadn’t first. Wound after wound. Surly retorts are called for.)

So, if you’re reading this Badgerman: Heyyyyy, how’re you doing? I hope you’re having a jolly good life.  And yes, I’ve been speaking about you. And maybe I did quite conveniently not mention what I did in retaliation, but I only broke your trust after you had broken mine. Two months after. And only because you continued to accuse me of things when I’d finally dropped everything. That just makes us as bad as each other, but I will not forgive myself. There you go, I’ve mentioned it now. I am not a saint. I am the furthest thing from it. I am Mephistopheles! But at least you know, that I did actually give a damn about you. More than a damn actually. More than even I know to be frank. I meant everything I said in that apology. And I tried, so freaking hard, to see your side, and I do. The problem has always been, you refused to see mine.

(Now, I actually want him to read this, though I doubt he cares enough about me to be remotely curious. But his curiosity had also always been an insatiable thing. Why oh why am I so masochistic? And why oh why did I not just fall asleep at decent-o-clock and save myself this adrenaline rush that will surely be followed by misery? God, what are you doing to me?)

Looks like I’ve already failed to suppress my childish hormones, but it’s still the same day so fingers crossed that I am over this Tortoise when I wake tomorrow.

I think it would be quite apt to quote the Badgerman himself to end this little anecdote: “Others may be the architects of the situations in which you find yourself, but the ultimate decision is yours and yours alone.”

He used the word architect. Is it any wonder why I’ve craved his company so much? Yes, it probably is. But he’s right. My choices put me in this situation. He was the architect, but I didn’t have to panic the way I did, or burden him as much as I did. And I can still make a choice to move on and not give a damn as he does; to erase him so much, that I might as well have never cared for him, thought of him, and let’s finally admit it, love him in a mild sort of way. There, I said it. I’m not sure if it actually was love, but at times it felt as if it was on the verge. Don’t get me wrong. I am not stupid, I didn’t want to be in a relationship with him, ugh God no. We’d murder each other. But I was loyal to him. I cared about his happiness and sadness, and he made me happy like no other could. With his fountain of knowledge, excellently breath taking writing style, interest in the best of books, love for tea and the sheer amount of kindness he once felt for me, how could I not love him in any way at all? And here I am, lonely as ever. Well, other than my persistent ex, who is an ex for only one reason, (and a valid one at that.) What a load of faeces love and friendship can be. I’d cast an oath in my blood and swear it’s supposed to be otherwise…

This was meant to be a short keep-interested-readers-updated-or-potentially-run-the-ones-you-have-away, but uh, hasn’t turned out like that has it? Seriously, what is life if not a preponderous amount of failed plans? Ugh, shut up about him and life now, Suman. Bed time. And closure time. Enough. Bye Tortoise. I was right, I always am, but it was nice while it lasted. I bid you, my maybe-love, if you are truly here, and all of my readers adieu and a good night.

Life’s Games.

My first week as an A2 student went about as smoothly as I expected. That’s to say: not very smoothly at all. The very hitches I expected were the very ones that came to be, only, twice as painful. Alas, that’s the game life plays!

Monday came and went without incident, I received my timetable and enjoyed all three of my lessons consecutively in one afternoon. Tuesday was in fact worse: I didn’t even attend the fourty-five minute class as I was due to be fifteen minutes late and highly doubted it was worth the trouble. Russian History with a monotonous teacher or an afternoon perusing a rather entertaining novel? You already know which one I went for. Not a promising start to the year, however, I’ll admit. I sincerely hope I did not start as I mean to go on or I’m in trouble.

I’d been quite lucky to evade a certain somebody for the former part of the week, but of course, that luck was just not to last. I’d had to speak to a friend I was no longer friends with; a harrowing experience. But someone had to be the decent person. I guess fate put that task in my hands. Thanks, Fate.

The next two days continued with spontaneous encounters with said ex-friend, the last of which accompanied a surge of painful memories, a strange but cruel twist of deja vu and a sense of nauseating nostalgia. (I had to have alliteration there, the opportunity was screaming at me.)

Thursday however, happened to be very productive. I succeeded in planning out my life. I completed a rota for myself where I would put in seven hours worth of study for each of my three subjects: History, Biology and Chemistry. I’m rather proud of that rota. Not that it’s in effect until tomorrow. Well. Supposed to be. We’ll see…

My younger sister is currently playing Dirty Little Secret and I can’t help but to move along to it. What is wrong with me? Now she’s playing something else, though not as entertaining. And my best friend is making strange horse like noises on the end of the phone. There’s something wrong with that woman. Where was I?

Sorry, for the tangent, but be prepared for them in all of my blogs! I have that irksome tendency of losing my train of thought. It’s more chaos than a train, really. And I prefer horse drawn carriages as my method of transport as it is…

Anyway, yes, Thursday, the only other thing of note was that I discussed my personal statement with my tutor. Damn, I still have to do that. Well that was Thursday for you. Now on to my favourite day of the week, as commercial as it is: Friday.

Friday started out badly, (see above about nostalgia), but during the day, I received a pleasant surprise that I was in dire need of! My best friend (currently being silly on the phone- also the one who convinced me to blog, check hers out, she epitomises witty) was in the city centre and wanted to meet me. Nothing could have made me happier. Sometimes, I’d bet she’s psychic.

The plan was a quick Starbucks, but plans never seem to work out when I’m around. Or when she’s around. We’ve never been able to tell, really, and we ended up contemplating Subway and arrived at the bank instead. (n.b The cashier who served us was very nice looking. His name was Adam- Yes, I’d read his badge. I mean, what else are they for?!)

I’m trying to keep this short, but it’s just not working. I’m as bad as my ex-friend. Sigh.

Ah well. We did eventually get a Starbucks: her with her coffeeblergh! And me with my signature hot chocolate and a triple chocolate cupcake. I was in that bad a mood. Then we made heavy light conversation about the complicated intricacies of each others lives and Starbucked our sorrows away. We are officially that cool.

My sister (I have three younger ones by the way) just announced that she’s off for a shower. I needed to know this why?

So that was the weekdays. The weekend has been pretty much par for course. Lazy days. Ugh. I was supposed to organise my college work so I could carry out my rota. It’s Sunday night and Monday in fourteen minutes and I have yet to do so. At least I organised the house a little. Minor consolation.

Maybe I should stay awake tonight and do what I need to do. Insomnia and I are old friends. We could get reacquainted! It’ll help me remain organised at least (staying awake tonight that is, not permanent insomnia). We’ll see. Depends on how much our coca-cola stock has depleted. If it hasn’t yet, it will.

That’s it, really folks. (I’m suddenly reminded of the Looney Tunes.) I wish I had something witty to end this with, but I don’t so I’ll steal something from someone else. I’m a quotes person you see.

“Knowledge without justice ought to be called cunning rather than wisdom.” ~ Plato.

Now I want to discuss that quote. Damn me. But, next time!
And with that, I bid you all, adieu.